Dead Black Roses
by linkkinparkk
Summary: She believed they were meant to be together, but he deserted her regardless. She was left to pick up the pieces and resented him for letting her down. When they are reunited years later, it's going to take more than an apology for the trust to return.
1. October & April

**I**: October & April

"Like light and dark, worlds apart; This fatal love was like poison, right from the start," **October & April**, The Rasmus

* * *

The sun was just finally shifting the last of its rays beyond the horizon, letting the moon settle into place in the middle of the new night sky. It wasn't quite the midnight blue I was used to, the weak light from the sun watering down the rich quality of the darkest hours of night, but it was pretty in a bleak way, nonetheless. I sighed, distracted by the direction my thoughts were rapidly racing towards. I hadn't come out here to fall apart, I had come out here to try and keep myself together.

I was finding it increasingly harder to keep myself together, ever since arriving back at St. Vladimir's from Spokane. Wherever I looked, another reminder of our attack would slide into focus and another burst of guilt would rise up in my chest, making it all the harder for me to move on. I had dreamed of the day I would be able to kill Strigoi all my life, and now that dream had been tainted with the cruel reality of pain and loss and blood. All I had stopping me from walking off over the edge was Lissa. Knowing that she was depending on me to protect her eased the guilt that I was cradling, the guilt that maybe I had caused the death of my best friend, the guilt that I had scarred the minds of three others and the guilt that I had betrayed someone I never wanted to betray.

Sliding down from the tree brought me crashing back to the here and now. I grabbed my kit bag and headed towards the training room that I would spending the morning in. The moon was growing in strength as I crossed through the melting snow, silvery moonlight lighting my way. I walked with strength and purpose, my mask back in place, ready to face my mentor and heartache.

Dimitri was leaning against the doorway of the gym, his eyes closed as he let the light fall onto his face. I paused a few feet away, watching his hair skim his shoulders in the wind. He didn't usually wear it down, and I was mesmorised by the way it made him look older and more beautiful in the same breath. Stubble darkened his face where he hadn't shaven and there was a rough edge to the way he was dressed. He had his brown duster on, and that was when the alarm bells started ringing in my head. He didn't look like he was dressed for training. He looked like he was dressed for some serious journeying.

"Roza." He opened his eyes slowly, and my heart froze in my chest as his intense gaze grazed my face as slowly. He never called me Roza, not unless he was getting ready to unleash emotional turmoils on me, whether they be the calming kind or the romantic kind. Either way, I knew I wasn't fit to take any kind of emotion. I tried not to look directly into his eyes, skimming the snow with the tip of my foot. "Are you alright Rose?" His voice was more concerned as he finished his survey of me. I tenses as his arms grabbed mine and pulled me closer.

"You're leaving." There were only two ways those words could have come out; sad and small or snappy and cold. I wasn't about to fold in front of him, not so easily, and the words were like blades slicing through both of us. He dropped my arms like they were burning him. "You're leaving with Tasha, aren't you?" I added, and this time more fire burst into my voice. I had been feeling a lot of crap things lately, been beating myself up about a lot of things too, and now all of those emotions were about to be let rip on the one person I didn't want to see them.

"Yes." It seemed like it was a day for one word answers. We were both stood in the snow, staring at each other with accusations in our eyes. I didn't want to be hostile, but I didn't want to collapse at his feet in tears either. He was the only person to see me for who I was, the only person who could get inside my head and make me feel vulnerable, and I hated and loved at the same time. And now he was leaving. "I'm leaving with Lady Ozera in a few hours."

"Should have known," I replied bitterly. "You've probably had your eye out for an older woman to take care of you, as much as you'll take care of her. That, or you knocked her - " The wind was knocked from my lungs as a hand swung around and threw me into the snow. My eyes stung, and not just from the slap, as my hands grazed the asphalt beneath the ice. I didn't move for a whole minute, trying to steady my breathing and lock my emotions back into a cage at the bottom of my chest, all before Dimitri apologised and helped me up. I didn't have to wait long for the inevitable. Whispered, rushed words of Russian breezed past my ear, hands covering me and holding me as I was lifted back to my feet.

"Roza, Roza, Roza," he repeated as he moved us nearer to the brick building, the shadow hiding us from seeing eyes. His hand brushed my hair back from my face, making my shining tears obvious to his heightened Dhampir senses. He traced the path of my last tear, catching it before it fell from my chin. "Don't say that Rose. It's not like that. It's complicated."

"That's what all great players say when they're finished with their latest toy." I turned away, heart hammering at this close contact with Dimitri, whilst another part of me died as I realised that it would be the last time I had close contact with Dimitri. In fact, it would be the last time I had any contact at all with Dimitri. My breath caught in my throat as a whimper climbed out.

"Rose," Dimitri said, startled. "Did I hurt you?" Yes, I screamed mentally, you broke my heart. Smashed it, destroyed it, and now you're leaving with what ever is left. But out loud, I didn't say anything. I stared up at him, knowing what I had to do, and hating myself for it all the more.

"You have places to be, Guardian Belikov," I said as coldly as I could. It came smoothly, my anger for myself changing over to him easily. And with those words came more anger at myself and my betrayal of him. His dark eyes hardened and I found myself balanced against the brick wall on my own.

"You're right, Rose. I do have places to be. And people to be with." Ouch, my gut twisted viciously as I swallowed his words like ice cold water. "I don't have time for you immature ways anymore. I have tried my hardest to work with you, and there has been improvement in your physical and academic skills, but I cannot spend any more time on you trying to iron out your attitude. I am no longer your mentor. You no longer require a mentor."

I raised my head, letting the words flow around me and bury themselves within me. I didn't know what was going on; one minute he acted like he loved me and the next he was making the age gap between us clear. And I couldn't help but be wounded by the callous way he spoke of our time together. I couldn't figure out the truth from the lies and it was making it hard for me to look at him. I tried to find something to reply with, something sarcastic and witty, but my attitude had left me. He had effectively "ironed" it out. Shame he wasn't going to be sticking around to see the change.

"I understand, Guardian Belikov. We all have our duties as guardians. But don't think that because you've left, and suggested I don't need a mentor, that I won't be putting extra hours in. I hope that you and Lady Ozera have a safe journey." Cold words slipped out before I could stop them, replacing the angry, childish tears that were threatening to fall again. He's leaving. He's leaving. He's leaving, danced around in my head as I hungrily tried to commit his face to memory. But it was hard and I didn't want to remember him hurt.

"Dimitri?" Another voice broke through our glaring contest and Tasha Ozera walked into viewpoint. She looked apologetic as she took in our stances and walked over to Dimitri, placing a hand on his forearm. "The car is here Dimitri, and we need to leave soon if we are to get to the airport in time." She looked at me. "Sorry to be stealing your mentor from you Rose," she said, no sincerity in her voice. I smiled back, as warmly and as widely as I could.

"No worries Tasha. As a novice guardian, I understand that Royal Moroi need protection and you have an important campaign ahead of you. I hope your campaign goes well." I turned my eyes to Dimitri, taking in his appearance one last time. "I'll see you, comrade."

The walk into the training hall seemed longer then it should have been as I kept Dimitri and Tasha Ozera behind me. I waited until the door was shut and my training combats were on before I let the tears start, falling forwards onto a punch bag at the same time, letting my fists fall onto the leather at the same time as the sobs became animalistic cries. I had effectively lost everything that mattered to me in a short space of time.

I kept fighting until I could no longer stand, falling onto the crash mat with heavy breaths. I rolled onto my back and raised my shaking hands to my cheeks where the tears had dried. My chest rose and fell as I tried to get a grip on myself and control the pieces of me that were getting out of reach. The clock told me I had an hour until my classes started, but I couldn't find it in me to move or care. Why should I care now? Right on cue, a twinge of despair, that wasn't my own, bit at the back of my throat, bitter like the taste of metallic. I felt the pull, and then found myself staring at Lissa's tear-streaked face.


	2. Echelon

**II**: Echelon

"It took a moment before I lost myself in here; It took a moment and I could not be found," **Echelon**, 30 Seconds to Mars

* * *

It took me about five minutes to pull myself out of Lissa's head and back into my own. I heaved a sigh that flushed through my body, steadying the mix of emotions that had just plagued me like a disease. With a quick brush of my cheeks with the back of my hand, I was ready to go. I pushed myself onto my feet and grabbed my bag, swinging it over my shoulder as I stepped out of the gym and into the bitter evening air. Snow had begun to fall, settling in my hair and chilling my cheeks. I smiled grimly to myself, hoping that my red cheeks and bleary eyes could be put down to the weather, and not some stupid childish crying fit.

To help shake off the fatigue and crappy emotions swirling around me, I began to jog across the campus. My breath clouded in front of my face as I pushed my legs into longer strides, waves of Lissa's feelings washing into me. I hadn't noticed before, too numbed by my own grief, but Lissa's mood was beginning to take a dark turn. I pushed harder, panicking that maybe some worse news might be heading my way.

The Moroi on the desk in Lissa's dorms looked up in surprise as I burst through the door. She didn't have time to open her mouth to demand to know why I was rushing in; I was already making my way through the hallways and up the stairs to Lissa's room. I hesitated at her door, wondering what I would find on the otherside, but another twist of despair peaked through our bond and I barged in, the door giving way to reveal a tearful Lissa and a concerned Christian, his arm carefully wrapped around her shoulders.

I paused in the doorway, my cheeks slightly flushed from embarrassment as Christian's eyes narrowed on me, but he didn't speak. I shut the door behind me, throwing my bag onto Lissa's bed as I crossed the room towards her. I settled by her side, my arm already complimenting Christian's.

"Rose," she whispered weakly. I spotted the unopened bottle of anti-depressants in her hand and took them from her. "I'm sorry," she murmured as I both our eyes followed my finger across the lid. "I don't know why, but I couldn't face taking them. Not after Mason." I tensed as Mason's name was mentioned. My vision blurred as I stared down at my hands. Furiously blinking back the tears, I turned to face her. "I," she hesitated. "I felt like I had let him down, let you down, by not taking them and that maybe, if I had, if I had been there - "

"No," I said firmly, making her look at me. Christian looked around her, helplessly. "You couldn't have helped or done anything. It's better you weren't there. I couldn't stand it if you had been. It's bad enough that I caused Mason's running off hunting for Strigoi. And - " I leaned in closer so that only she could hear me. "You can't use Spirit, not like that. It would have hurt you, like you're hurting yourself now. You need to take your medicine."

"You're right Rose," she sighed. Christian's stance relaxed. As he did, I realised I didn't know why he was here. He couldn't have known that Lissa was upset, and he wasn't allowed near her dorm room normally. I raised an eyebrow as he looked over at me and he glared.

"So, wanna spill?" I asked, leaning back on Lissa's bed. She looked around, noticing the tension that had risen between us. I didn't like Christian under the best of circumstances and I absolutely hated that he had gotten to Lissa before me. I was supposed to be the one comforting her, not him. I was her best friend, and I was going to be her Guardian one day. "You clearly have something far more important that Lissa's welfare to chat about."

"Don't you think if that was the case I would have already said something and ignored Lissa completely?" He glared in my direction and I enjoyed the heat of his gaze. It took the edge off my own problems and gave an outlet for them. "We aren't all slow on the uptake Rose."

I tried to rise from my seat, Christian's words angering me, but Lissa placed a hand on my leg, keeping me seated. Christian smirked at me from behind her back and I tried to resist the urge to smash his face in. Stupid, idiotic Royal Moroi, with his stupid, mentor stealing aunt. I shuffled away from Christian, so not to upset Lissa any further.

"I got here as fast as I could," I muttered darkly, pulling Lissa's pillow onto my lap so I could punch it. "I did have to cross the campus. No easy feat," I added and Lissa smiled at me. "Anyway, do you want me to leave or can I stay and here what's bothering the tough ol' Christian Ozera?"

"Since it concerns you too, you can stay and here." Christian shrugged like it was no big deal, but his eyes told a different story. He looked ruffled and afraid, something I had only seen on his face once before, and that time we were being held captive by Strigoi. I decided to keep my mouth shut while he talked. "It's about Tasha." He'd turned to Lissa and a sense of foreboding crashed down on my head. "She's not here. I think she's left."

"Think?" said Lissa, as the same thought crossed my mind. He sounded unsure, which was weird. I figured that Tasha would have told him her plan and where she was headed to. The fact she hadn't was more than weird, it was worrying. "Didn't she tell you, or say goodbye?"

"No. That's why I came around. I wanted to see if you had heard from her, or seen her? And you Rose. Dimitri's gone too. I think he's gone to protect her, during whatever it is that they've planned to do." My heart froze in my chest as Christian's words drove home the fact that he was gone. He had gone with her. "It's worrying me, because I know the Moroi didn't take too nicely to Tasha's plans for Moroi to use offensive magic. I don't know if somethings happened between them and her, or if she's just gone."

"I'm sure she's fine Christian," Lissa said softly, placing a hand on his cheek. I flinched away from the compassionate motion, pain flaring as memories tried to force themselves into the front of my mind. "She's probably gone back home and will phone you when she gets back."

"She is fine. I saw her and Dimitri this morning." I didn't look at them. "They were getting a car to the airport. Everything seemed fine to me. I mean, they didn't look worried or like they were fleeing from anyone. She'll try and contact you." I forced a smile at Christian. But he didn't look reassured.

"Airport?" He rose from the bed and started for the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "Did they say where they were flying to?"

"No, is it important?"

"Tasha never normally flies anywhere. She always drives. It's just one of her many weird traits," he smiled, before frowning. "I'm going to go check with the school office to see if she left a message with them." He turned to Lissa and his face softened. "Keep safe Liss, and know that I'm here for you, along with Rose. No more tears?"

"No more tears," Lissa smiled back. He nodded in my direction and I understood his non-verbal request. So long as he was worrying about Tasha, Lissa was in my complete care. I nodded back, watching as the door slammed shut behind him. Lissa turned to me, her expression slightly bemused as she took me in. "Have you been crying Rose?"

I looked up, startled. "No, it's snowing outside and the wind kept throwing it into my face," I replied weakly. "What about you?" I tested our bond, making sure all I could feel was contented happiness. Only a little of the darkness that had been plaguing Lissa remained, but it was slowly disappearing. The same couldn't be said about my dark mood. "You 'kay now?"

"Yeah, it was just a little bump in the road. I do miss being able to feel Spirit, but I still need to learn to cope with the consequences." She looked wistfully at the bottle now in her hand, as if she could make it let her touch the magic within her while keeping the depression away. I wished life was that simple. I wished I could have the best of both worlds. But things rarely played out that way. "Guess I have to take them now, huh."

"Yeah, you do. You want help opening that bottle," I joked, watching as she continued staring at it. "Cos last time I checked, you can't open them with telekinesis. Unless you've learned some awesomely new tricks."

"Actually, I have," Lissa laughed, straining as she pretended to move the bottle. I laughed along, my hand brushing hers as I pulled the bottle from her grip. A small gasp of surprise escaped from Lissa, and I turned to look at her. "Rose?" she murmured.

"What is it Lissa?" The bond was giving nothing away this time, just wave after wave of confusion. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

"I felt your emotions Rose." She looked at me, a flicker of fear playing in the back of her jade eyes. "When I touched your hand, I could feel your emotions. I could see the darkness, surrounding you. Are you sure that you're okay?" Her eyes never wavered from mine, as I looked down at the bottle of pills.

"You don't have to worry about me Liss, that's not your job. It's mine to worry about you, and keep you safe. Here." I handed her a round pill, putting the bottle on her bedside after I'd done so. "You need to take this."

"Don't you ever say that Rosemarie Hathaway," Lissa snapped, before her tone returned to normal. "I'm your best friend, practically sisters, and that makes it my job, as well as yours, to make sure that you're alright. Which includes worrying. Are you upset that Dimitri had left?"

Why did she have to hit the nail on the head? I almost swore out loud but reigned it in. "I'm annoyed that he's ditched out, just as we were getting to the best part of our training." Half-lies wouldn't hurt. "And I'm still reeling over the - " I pulled back, my throat closing around the words I couldn't say. But Lissa understood and nodded her head.

"We'll get through it together Rose," she said quietly. "And if you don't want to talk to anyone else about it, I'll make sure that they back off."

"I'd like to see you try and keep a bunch of Dhampir boys off my back. That would be a sight," I muttered as Lissa rolled her eyes. She took the pill and swallowed it down. "Well, I better get ready for classes." I rose from my makeshift seat.

"Classes aren't on today. Didn't you hear?" Apparently not. I raised an eyebrow as an answer and Lissa continued. "There's going to be an assembly of some sort in the lunch room. Headmistress Kirova wants to talk to the school about what happened. Something like a public memorial for all those who were lost over Christmas, and a warning to the students to take the threat of Strigoi seriously."

"Makes sense. I won't be there," I replied.

"Right, because the great Rose Hathaway doesn't need to be warned off from the dangers of the Strigoi. Or, because the great Rose Hathaway can't cry in public. It'll ruin her badass reputation," Lissa teased, trying to keep the mood light.

"Both," I answered. "And nothing could ruin my badass reputation, 'cause I'd just take down whoever threatened my tyranny. Don't worry Liss," I added. "I'll go and pay my respects publicly. If only for those we lost. But if I see anyone making out the attacks were amazing, or if anyone asks about what happened, I am outta there. Deal?"

"Deal. I wouldn't expect any less myself."

"Meet you there then."

* * *

The walk over to my room, and the time it took for me to shower, get dressed and dry my hair told me all that I needed to know; I had to stop spending time alone. It was damaging. Because all that time alone left little room for distractions, and little distractions lead to thoughts, and thinking led to connections being made between events I didn't want to think about, let alone analyse. I didn't want to remember that Dimitri had left, that Mason was dead, that I'd killed two Strigoi, and that Lissa was having problems keeping to her medicine.

"Stupid hot Dhampir mentor and his stupid promises of love." I bunched my towel up and threw it at the wall. "Stupid, stupid Russian." I yanked my jeans on, buckling the belt viciously. "Stupid Royal Moroi and her stupid nicknames." I pulled a top on over my head. "Stupid campaign, a campaign to destroy my life."

"Stupid little Dhampir talking to herself," a quiet voice snickered and I spun around. Adrian Ivashkov was leaning against my doorframe, a cocky grin on his face.

"How long have you been standing there?" I demanded, looking for something to throw at his head.

"Long enough," he said with a wink and I raced forward, bringing my leg up to chest height. He didn't have time to back away before my foot was pushing against his chest, knocking him down the hallway. He landed with a surprised expression on his face. "That was rude little Dhampir," he muttered.

"So is spying on people getting dressed," I retorted, watching as he climbed to his feet.

"I didn't spy on you getting dressed, I overheard your one-girl conversation," he said, raising his hands in defense.

"All amounts to the same thing," I replied, returning to my room. "And it still doesn't explain what you are doing here in the Dhampir dormitory. Or here in St. Vladimir's at all. So start explaining, or start walking. Do neither and I start kicking some ass. Again." I grabbed my brush and ran it through my hair, trying to tame the tangle that had settled in.

"Hm, where should I start? At why I am here, at the academy, or why I am here, in your room?" He settled himself against my window, looking at home amongst my mess. He picked up a pair of my discarded knickers, which I hastily yanked from his grasp. Before I could snap at him, he raised his hands. "I'm here to see out the rest of the term at St. Vladimir's. I want to learn about Spirit as a magic. I never knew what it was, before I met Vasilisa. I just assumed that I hadn't specialised."

"Right, why are you here, in my room? I'm not in the mood for visitors, least of all nosy peeping toms." My temper was rising up and out of reach, and Adrian was not doing anything to improve my bleak mood. "You better have a good answer too, like I came to tell you I'll never bother you again."

"Will you accept that I came to check on you, after seeing Dimitri Belikov leaving the academy grounds with Natasha Ozera?" he asked.

"No. I'm sick of hearing about them." I charged over to him. "Your time at Rose's Boudoir is over."

"Figures," Adrian smirked, not moving as I opened the door. "I thought as much. That's why I came. To check on you."

"I don't need checking on. I don't want your figures. And I don't want you thinking about me. Leave." I motioned and he shrugged.

"You want me to tell Vasilisa? She'll probably be able to handle this better than me. She is your best friend after all."

"You won't tell Lissa anything and you'll like it. Why did you even bother coming here?"

"I don't know," Adrian answered honestly, a confused expression settling on his face. "Maybe because I really care and wanted to make sure you're alright. You intrigue me, little Dhampir. You and your swirls of darkness. I want to see into your soul and see what makes you tick. See what makes you special, as much as I want to understand myself. And I want to heal your hurt."

I stood in my doorway, stunned. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you Adrian, but the hurt is staying for a little while longer, because that is what makes me tick. If you will see yourself to the door, because I've lost my patience today."

He walked past me, pausing as our bodies pressed together. I tried to squirm away from the unwanted close contact, but he reached out to hold me in place. "Running on anger and hurt is not the best way to get a job done, little Dhampir. If you really want to be the best you can, you need to learn to lock away those dark thoughts and feelings. And not just yours."

He ruffled my hair as he passed, leaving me feeling a little chilled by his strange words. I didn't need any more to deal with.


	3. The Little Things Give You Away

**III**: The Little Things Give You Away

"All you ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you; And six feet underground now I do," **The Little Things Give You Away**, Linkin Park

* * *

Usually being in Lissa's head was a pain in the ass, not because I hated being with her, but because I hated the complete loss of my own identity, not forgetting the horror of making out with Christian. But today I wanted to be in anybody's head but mine, even if that meant hours of passionate love making in the alcove above the church. My head was a mess, a crap place to be, and it was made worse by the increasingly brave and arrogant looks being thrown my way as I wove between Moroi and Dhampirs alike to get to Mason's funeral service. Or the public shmooze that would be taking place in the hall. The private service wasn't until the next day, and I wasn't even sure if they were gonna let me in. Unhinged as I was.

Lissa beckoned to me frantically, and I could tell by the look on her face she was concerned about me. Or more accurately, concerned for the annoying jerks that washed around me with their self-assuming facial expressions. We were fast approaching the Rose Hathaway punch-a-thon if I didn't get out of reach anytime soon. I rushed forward, propelling my anger into my legs to make this ordeal a little easier.

"Are you alright Rose?" Lissa's voice acted like a cold shower, cooling down my increasing rage as I settled in the chair beside her. Christian's smirk appeared round her shoulder and the dark bubble of rage threatened to resurface. "It'll be alright," Lissa continued soothingly, oblivious to the curses I was throwing at her boyfriend mentally. I might be able to read her mind, but she couldn't read mine, thankfully. Or all hell would have broken loose already.

"Sure, sure, if you count smarmy Moroi making comments about my "slip-up" costing Mason his life, or ignorant Dhampirs thinking that the whole situation was an impressive turnaround by Rose Hathaway, alright. But I don't." I crossed my arms across my chest with more force then necessary, almost winding myself. "I'm not some hero who needs worshipping, and if one more idiot asks if I'm going to be giving a speech or getting my _molnija_ marks in front of everyone then they won't live to see tomorrow."

"Ah, there's all that Rose fire we've been missing so sorely the last few days," said Christian, leaning back in his seat to peer around at me. I narrowed my eyes but he carried on. "I was beginning to think you'd lost all your awesomeness, wit and sarcasm. Would be a shame. What else would you attack people with?"

I didn't reply, containing the dark anger that had risen from some part of me I'd never known before. It wasn't like me to ignore Christian's snide remarks, but I knew that if I reacted, I'd say something out of proportion to his remarks. Something that I shouldn't be held accountable for, but probably would be. And I wasn't a bitch. I wasn't going to hurt Lissa over something petty. I glanced at her, and the look she gave me said it all. She was confused and worried about my reaction. I smiled as widely as I could, turning to face the front when Kirova stepped up onto the platform they had set up in the room.

"I would like to formally welcome all the guests to the Academy, including the guardians who went in search of our students." Kirova nodded her towards the back of the room where a gathering of Moroi and their guardians sat or stood, their eyes bleak and empty. "We have all been touched by tragedy in the recent months, and this has only motivated us to come together and pool resources - " I snorted and Kirova glanced at me, not interrupting her flow " - so that we are better defended against the threat of Strigoi."

I hated that Dhampirs and guardians were referred to as "resources" and as a tool to a means. Dhampirs gave up everything for their Moroi, protecting them 24/7, losing out on a life of their own. If they dropped out to raise their own children, they were referred to as "blood whores". It was a lose-lose situation, and Moroi like Kirova forgot that Dhampirs were people, with lives, friends and families, and when they died, they were missed. My eyes started to mist as I thought of Mason, of what he had lost, of how he was just another "resource", all used up.

"It is with great tragedy and shame that I announce and commemorate the death of one of our students at the Academy, Mason Ashford. He died trying to protect other Moroi from the recent Strigoi attacks, and he died like a true Dhampir and novice guardian - " This time my snort was much louder, and harder to ignore. Kirova looked at me, anger shining in her eyes as I interrupted her service again. "Yes, Miss Hathaway. Do you have something to add?"

All eyes turned to me, so I let go of my restraint, sitting up a little straighter. "Yes, I do. May I?" I asked, looking pointedly at the stage. Kirova opened and shut her mouth, looking shocked, but nodded, reluctantly. I stood and walked over, climbing the steps slowly. I could feel the tension in the air as the school held its breath collectively. Rose Hathaway, at it again.

"Mason Ashford was not a resource," I started, glancing around the room at all the guardians who stood to attention around the room. "He was a person. A person who had sworn to dedicate his life protecting Moroi. That was his choice, and he should never be referred to as a resource. Nor should any guardian." I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight as my defenses tumbled to the ground. "Mason should not have died, and I think it was wrong of Headmistress Kirova to refer to his death as a true death. No death is a true death. It's a waste of life, a waste of a person and a damn shame. And," I paused, tears trailing down my cheeks. Angry tears. Shameful tears. Tears that shouldn't be falling, because I never cried. Before I could finish my sentence, cool hands were pulling at my arm, leading me down to my seat.

"Thank you for your words, Miss Hathaway," Kirova said briskly, setting herself behind her stand as I sat down. I realised that it had been Adrian who had gotten me off the stage, his eyes unusually soft and concerned. "That was a touching speech, from a close friend of Mason Ashford. Anyway, if I may resume my condolences." Kirova swept a gaze across the room, almost challenging someone else to stand up and say something, but no one else dared. "It was - "

I stopped listening as Kirova continued talking about death, grief and how we should all join together to ensure that no one else would die. It was all the usual protocol words, words said a thousand times over, and it meant nothing. Same as Mason had meant nothing. Just another kid, ready to send out and die for the good of Moroi. I shook my head, not understanding where all this resentment had risen from. Hadn't I sworn to protect Lissa, at the cost of my own life? I couldn't be changing my mind, but the feeling still remained in my chest.

"On another, separate note," Kirova said loudly, and I realised that the service was coming to a close. "It is with sadness that I announce the leaving of several of guardians, Frances Munroe, Trent Allwood and Dimitri Belikov." My chest constricted tightly as Dimitri's name called out, thoughts of the cold way he had regarded me as he left clouding my mind. "Replacements will be arriving soon, but until then, take extra care around the school. We are trying to increase our security for your benefit. You may go."

There was a rush as all the students tried to leave at the same time and make the most of their free day, but I stayed still in my seat. I noticed that no one else had moved, and looked over gratefully. Affectionate concern flooded through me from Lissa, easing the ache that had begun to creep through me. She moved towards me, her smile sad as she bent to wipe the tears that trailed down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Rose. I should never had made you come to this stupid memorial," she whispered softly, her arms wrapping around me to pull me into a tight hug. I leant into her shoulder, grateful for the support she was providing. "You were right, it was just to keep face. I'm sorry you felt that you had to stand up and defend Mason's memory. Kirova did an awful job."

"There's no need to apologise for that," I muttered. "It needed to be said. The way she kept talking about guardians being resources. It was like taking a cold shower. I'd never noticed the callous way they refer to guardians before."

"Neither had I," Lissa said, keeping pace beside me as we headed for the exit. "I'm gonna make it up to you. Why don't we have a day together, just you and me. We could watch a movie, give each make-overs, or just chat, the way we used to." Her eyes were alight and I felt the excitement filling her up. It buzzed through me, contagious and uplifting.

"Are you sure that you can go a day without Christian schmoozing all over you? You never know, the world might implode because you actually spend a day away from him," I teased, ignoring the stares I was acquiring as we walked across the campus.

"Shut up Rose," Lissa retorted, her cheeks going bright red. "I can go a day without Christian. We aren't married or anything. We just enjoy each other's company."

"And that is all I need to know. In fact, I already know too much, so we'll leave all your lovey-dovey stories behind us for another day, huh?" I grinned, stretching out my arms. I felt considerably lighter at the prospect of pigging out for a day. Just like old times. And if I tried hard enough, I could pretend that everything was old times, and nothing bad had happened to any of us.

As we approached the Moroi dorms, whispers started to reach me. Passing Moroi and Dhampirs alike were shooting me strange, pitying looks. I didn't need to hear their words to know what they were talking about. Rose _cried_. Big deal. But it was a big deal, and I felt my cheeks begin to pink like Lissa's had as we headed for the security her room offered.

"I can't believe that Rose _Hathaway_ cried about some stupid boy dying. Guardians die all the time. What's the big deal? It's their job," one Moroi boy muttered to his friend as they passed us, heading back towards the main school building. The rage that had been bubbling all day peaked, and I raced towards him, flinging him up against a wall.

"What was that?" I hissed through clenched teeth darkly. "Do you care to say it louder? Or are you that much of a coward that you need to _whisper_ it to your friend." He trembled as my face got closer to his, my hand still pinning him to the wall.

"Rose," came Lissa's alarmed voice. I felt her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off, tightening my hold on the boy's throat. "Rose, let him go. He's just an idiot. He isn't worth getting into trouble over." Panic increased in our bond, only fueling my own anger.

"Well, he shouldn't say stupid things like guardians are expendable. We aren't." He squeaked as I brought my balled hand up near his face. His eyes crossed as they tried to follow the movement of my fist as I pulled it back, getting ready to force it into his pretty boy looks.

"Rose," Lissa said quietly, sounding so _reasonable_. I hesitated, letting my arm drop down so I could turn and look at Lissa. "Let him go Rose. You don't really want to hurt him." She was right. I didn't really want to hurt him. And stopping didn't sound so bad. I could do that - "Come on Rose," she pushed, and I gazed into her green eyes. Lissa had a good point. Why bother with him? I let go of his throat and he dropped to the floor, running from me.

"Those rumours were right. Rose Hathaway _is_ insane. Completely loop-de-loop," he shouted to his friend as they both ran as far away from Lissa and me as possible. When he had rounded the corner, my head seemed to clear and I knew what Lissa had done. The guilt radiating through our bond told me everything I needed to know.

"You used compulsion on me," I said angrily. "Lissa, why'd you do it? What if those boys had realised what you were doing and told someone about it. You would have gotten into so much trouble," I carried on when she didn't reply to me.

"Someone needed to stop you. You weren't going to stop yourself. And you could have gotten into more trouble if you had done something to that jerk. Kirova wouldn't approve of two slip-ups in one day," Lissa replied softly. "You're not yourself Rose," she added, watching me sadly. "You've changed."

"Everyone changes Lissa," I joked weakly. "It's for the better. I'll be a better guardian for it. I'll be your guardian."

"People might change, Rose, but you've changed too much, in too little a space of time. It's not good for you. For anyone. You need to get back to the person you were before all of this happened. Start dating, start with the sarcasm and dry humour again. You need to be Rose again, not this shadow of a person."

I couldn't reply. My throat was suddenly taunt and dry. Lissa thought I had changed. No, she could see that I had changed, and not for the better either. She could see everything that I didn't want her to see. She knew me too well, and as her guardian, I had to make sure that she wasn't worrying about me. I had to worry about her.

"You still up for our girly chat then," Lissa asked, and her eyes seemed knowing as we headed up to her bedroom.

"Anything to get back to being me," I muttered under my breath, and Lissa seemed to understand, her hand wrapping mine up tightly, a reminder that she would stand by me through everything.


	4. Bleed Like Me

**IV**: Bleed Like Me

"You should see my scars; Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend," **Bleed Like Me**, Garbage

* * *

"Rose!" Lissa's voice followed me out of the memorial service, concern ringing clearly in her urgent words. There was an unsaid command too, one that rung in her mind; "_Come back to me,_" but I ignored it, storming across the frozen campus as fast as I could. I was sick and tired, and all I wanted to do was run and hide. I was too wound up to keep playing pretend, and there was no way in Hell that I could go back into the chapel in the state I was in.

It took a while, but I eventually managed to block Lissa from my head and outrun her and Christian. I started to pick up pace as my anger turned to adrenaline. I ran; ran to the only place I knew, and while it would hurt me to be there, it was the only place I could think of to hide in that Lissa wouldn't look. The trees thickened as I headed away from the buildings, and the cold darkness was comforting around me. The cabin that Tasha had stayed in over Christmas appeared in front of me, materilising as if out of thin air. I raced forward, slamming the door behind me with as much force as I could muster.

Tasha Ozera had done a good job with the cabin, I could give her that much credit. But it still ripped my chest open wide to know that this was where _he_ had sat, and stayed, and played, making his mind up to go and leave with her. He'd left me behind. I guess in the end that was what hurt the most. He'd left me alone to fend for myself in this mess. I was the one who had to pick up the pieces of Spokane, I was the one who had to fix the damage that the attacks had left and I was the one who was stuck in the place that memories could crowd and drown me in.

He'd left when the going was getting tough. Maybe he had loved me, but couldn't face the broken girl I had become, or maybe he had never loved me and had finished toying with my heart. I would never know, not unless I went searching for answers and knocked his door down demanding them, so I had to stop this rejected sweetheart notion. It was not me. I did not do tears and lost love. I was the one who did the breaking of hearts. My words felt empty, and I knew I didn't believe them. I was broken and it wasn't going to go away any time soon. The funeral had proven that.

The memorial service had been painful. To see Mason's family crying and sending me looks as if to question why I was still alive and he wasn't was hard enough, but the added pressure of Royal Court representatives was what had really hit home and made my blood boil. It angered me that they had the cheek to show up at Mason's funeral, to show up and start asking questions as soon as he was buried, to poke holes and worry wounds that were nowhere near healing; I'd lost my temper and run out. If I hadn't, I probably would have shouted at them in front of the mourners, and I couldn't do that to Mason. Not after everything that I'd already done.

The pain in my chest was enough to keep me tethered to my own head, not letting me slip into the comfortable bliss that would probably be Lissa's thoughts. She'd been watching me closely through the service, afraid that I might break down again, or go the other way and _break_ something. I was tempted to smash up this cabin, raging through until every last trace of Tasha Ozera and her guardian lover _Dimitri_ were gone. A fresh start was what I needed. It was what I _wanted_, but it felt like I was more than just tethered to my own head; it felt like I was tethered to the past.

"Rose?" I didn't move from the seat that I had taken beside the cabin's fireplace, sinking lower into the seat so that Lissa and Christian wouldn't notice me. I had no such luck, and Lissa came into view as the cabin door slammed shut. "Rose, are you alright?"

"Just peachy," I mumbled, not looking at her. If I saw the concern in her eyes, then all my fears would be confirmed and the levee would break. And if it broke this time, there would be no recovering from it, because I didn't want to recover. I didn't want to get better. The future looked bleak, and it was so much easier to sink back into this chair and let time carry on without me.

Christian flicked his hand towards the fireplace, flames bursting forth from the hearth. The warmth spread outwards, wrapping us all up. I didn't speak, missing the bitter edge of the cold air. The friendly flames did not suit my mood at all. I wanted to be left to brood on my own.

"I can't believe that Tatiana would send representatives to enquire about what happened at Mason's funeral. She should have waited until everything had settled a little bit more, and until you guys were ready to talk about it," Lissa said softly, settling into the chair opposite me.

"The Queen is not known for her sympathetic nature. She's more efficiently driven than that," Christian said with a shrug. "Okay, that was a bunch of crap. We all know that Tatiana couldn't give a damn about Dhampirs, guardians or traitor Moroi, so why would she bother to be sympathetic. Hell, she wasn't sympathetic with you when you came back with Rose. She ripped the hell out of you, and you're the last Dragomir. And between me and Rose we had a potential Strigoi, a lowly Moroi from a working background, two expendable Dhampirs and Rose."

"You're making me feel so much better Christian. Please go on," I muttered sardonically as he ended his rant on my name. There were thousands of implications in that one word, "Rose", but I understood completely. We were worthless, and we could be trodden on. And we had been trodden on. Something fired up inside of me, hot and vivid like rage.

"She's right Christian," Lissa said, not looking all that happy with the man of her dreams. I smirked, knowing that I could sleep easy tonight and she noticed it. "You're actually smiling," she exclaimed in surprise.

"I wouldn't call it a smile," Christian injected, smirking right back at me. "More of a grimace. And that, by the way, is so flattering. It really brings out the colour of your eyes." By the end of his snide remark Christian was in full laughter. I was tempted to throw a pillow at him, and start my angry rampage with his pretty boy face.

"Either way," Lissa quickly said, interrupting Christian's amusement. "It's better than not smiling at all. Just ignore him Rose," she added, when Christian refused to stop his fun. "He's just being an idiot."

"I'm glad that love hasn't blinded your perception," I replied, flashing Christian a large grin. "Because he is the biggest idiot in the world, and I feel sorry for you. It must be so hard, putting up with his bad jokes."

"It's a start Rose," Christian said, getting up to stretch. "Not your usual sarcastic awesomeness, but a start nonetheless. Keep at it. You might be back up to my standard in no time at all. Catch you later." He turned to Lissa, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, before heading out of the cabin.

"Can I hurt him?" I asked Lissa, a dark look in my eyes as she laughed. "Because I really feel it will help me on the road to recovery. I won't damage his face too much. I know you like it, though God only knows why."

"He's got a point Rose." I would have been shocked if I hadn't already heard her thoughts echoing through our bond when Christian had mentioned getting back to my usual "standard". Instead, I just sat back and let her say what was on her mind. "You can't keep exploding at little things that bother you. You keep everything bottled up so that when something smaller comes along it pushes you over the brink, and it's not healthy. You have to find an outlet for your emotions, feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could see into your head too, just so I could have some idea of what goes on in there."

"I think you have a pretty good idea of what goes on in my head Lissa," I murmured softly. "I mean, you sussed all that out about me. You don't need to hear what I'm thinking to sense how I'm feeling, and that makes you a better person, because you know me that well without the bond."

"You know me too, Rose, without the bond. But you still need to talk about your feelings, because saying them out loud lets you see them in a different way, and then they make sense. You'll get through this Rose, but you have to start now, not later. It gets harder to get back to normal, the further away from it you move. I don't want to see you disappear as everyone else moves on." She stood and I rose with her, letting her sweep me up into a hug.

"Sure, sure. I'll start with Alberta. I'm going to go have a chat with her in a minute." I saw the look on Lissa's face and sensed that she felt unsure through our bond. "Hey, don't worry about me. I'll land on my feet. I always do."

Even as we walked out of the cabin together I could see that she wasn't completely convinced that I could get back to normal. And I had to agree with her. Nothing would ever be what it used to.

* * *

The receptionist had informed me that Guardian Petrov was patrolling the schools boundary lines. The lines were invisible, in a way, but incredibly powerful and important. They held back the Strigoi from attacking the school; the lines the circled the running between wards embedded in the walls. These wards held magic in them - the four elements earth, air, water and fire - and since magic was alive, the living dead could not cross them. This was where the guardians made up most of the protection, ensuring that the wards still stood and that there were no stray Strigoi lingering on the other side of the gates.

I probably could have left this talk until class restarted, but I wanted to get it out of the way. In a sense, I wanted something to focus on. If Alberta agreed to be my new mentor, then I could be working harder than I ever did with Dimitri. There was a burning childish impulse raging in the bottom of my chest that wanted to graduate and move on and prove to Dimitri what he was missing out on. It would be the greatest of revenges. And then there was the broken hearted part of me, the part that died when he told me that he was leaving. They were conflicted, and only time would tell which one would win.

I was forced from my thoughts when I spotted Alberta watching me, Stan by her side. We were far out, a collection of trees sheltering us from the view of the school buildings, and it probably looked strange for me to be here, considering my past record. I headed to Alberta, who waved Stan away when it became clear that I wanted to talk with her.

"Rose," she said, nodding her head in acknowledgement of my arrival. "What can I do you for? Must be pretty important for you to come all the way out here."

"It's important to me," I replied evasively, wondering how she would react to my impatience. "I was thinking about how I need a new mentor, to help with my extra training, and since I'd like to restart as soon as possible, I thought that I'd come down and ask if you would like to take me on - "

"Rose, you didn't have to come all the way down here now, did you?" Alberta looked exasperated, but then she caught the determined glint in my eye. "And I hardly think that you need a mentor anymore. Guardian Belikov did an excellent job with you, helping you to catch up to your classmates, and when you take the recent events into consideration - " She let the sentence trail off, unfinished, but the meaning was there.

"Killing two _Strigoi_ - " I choked on the word, swallowing it down as fast as I could. " - does not make me an expert, or worthy of slacking. It was luck, nothing more, nothing less. And someone died, a good friend of mine. If I'd been better, than maybe he'd still be alive." Alberta looked like she wanted to say something, but I spoke a little louder, wanting her to hear what I had to say. "If anything, the recent _events_ have shown me that I need to work harder than ever, to be the best I can be, to be good enough to be able to protect myself, my charge, _and_ my comrades. Guardian Belikov may think I'm hard work, and he may think I have the wrong attitude, an _unchangeable_ attitude, but I know that I can change. I _want_ to change, and I need someone to help me with it."

Alberta sighed, unsure of what to say. I glanced around the area we'd been walking along, a sense of unease washing over me. I couldn't explain where it came from, but it felt wrong, like something was off. I stopped, waiting for the vague nausea to pass before I carried on walking. This didn't go unnoticed by Alberta, who turned to look at me.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, watching me as I pressed my hand to my stomach. It hurt, this nausea, and it felt wrong. It didn't feel like any illness I'd ever had before.

"No, I just feel a bit off. Must be the stress catching up with me." That sounded plausible, but not true. If I were honest with myself, I knew that something else was wrong. I voiced my fears. "Can you sense it?" I asked, looking at the iron gates where the wards magic ran along. "Can you feel it?"

"Feel what?" Alberta looked at me worriedly. I'd never seen her worried about anything, not even when she had been a part of the rescue team in Spokane. Back then, she'd worn her guardian mask perfectly, not letting me see how scared she was for her students, not letting me see how much _I'd_ scared her by killing two full grown Strigoi in a frenzy.

"I don't know. But it feels _wrong_." That was the only word I could find that summed up the magnitude of what was going on in my body. I stepped closer to the iron wall, kneeling beside the place the magic was. I couldn't sense the magic, not really; I was only a Dhampir. A Moroi would have been able to sense, or even see it, but I couldn't. And yet, it felt like it was missing, or more distant than it had been before. "Are the wards up?"

"Yes. They're redone every two weeks. This is a big area to cover, Rose, and the wards die out and fade. We check them every day, at least three times, to see if they are any chinks in the armour, so to speak. Everything is fine." Her voice told me to back off and stop acting so weird. If I wasn't careful, I would find myself being whisked away to an asylum. A fitting end for Rose Hathaway, or so other people would think.

"I guess it's just stress then," I said, pretending to feel satisfied with my conclusion. "I better head back to my dorm, before I get caught out after curfew." I turned, but as I was about to make my way back Alberta spoke.

"I'll train with you Rose," she murmured, and I looked back to find a sad expression on her face. Pity. "I can't pretend to understand what you went through, and what you saw. I didn't even kill my first Strigoi until about seven years after I graduated, and then it was with two other guardians. But I can understand your need to better yourself, to make yourself stronger from the trauma. I won't take that away from you, and I won't stand in your way. Just promise me you won't let the anger manifest itself in the form of rage or revenge."

I looked at her, really looked at her, and instead of pity I saw concern. Concern for me, and what I'd been through. Concern for other Dhampir students like me, and what they would see when they left the school. The concern was mixed with resignation, because she understood that she couldn't stop any of this from happening. Moroi needed to be protected, at the expense of Dhampirs, and all we could do was train harder. I thought she understood me and my needs more than she was willing to admit.

"Thank you."

"I'll see you in the gym tomorrow morning Rose. I'll resume your old programme, the one that Guardian Belikov left behind. I would warn you not to slack, but I have feeling that you're the last person in the world I should be telling that too," she smiled at me, and I smiled back, content for that moment. "Take care Rose, and use those friends of yours to make sure your feelings are understood. I think Eddie has a pretty good idea of what you're going through."

I tilted my head forward once in understanding, before turning and making my way back to the school. The whole way back I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong with the school wards, and that foreboding chased me all the way into my dreams.


	5. Hurricane

**V**: Hurricane

"Do you really want me dead; Or alive to torture for my sins; Do you really want me dead; Or alive to live a lie," **Hurricane**, 30 Seconds to Mars

* * *

Time is a slow healer. Or so I found. January bled into February, which starting showing the first signs of spring, signaling the beginning of March. Classes gave way to our final assignment; guarding a Moroi student full time, and the effort of following them around 24/6 left little time to feel anything else at all. It was probably a sign of my growing maturity that I didn't kick up a fuss when I was assigned Christian instead of Lissa. Actually, I _might_ have kicked up a fuss, but a mature, calm one where I didn't raise my voice. Except for the one time I mentioned Christian by name.

I was trying not to think about the other reason I had a lethargic reaction to a different assignment than the one I wanted; this swirling darkness that has only grown in size since Mason's death. The rage that had been ignited in me at Mason's funeral seemed to have grown in magnitude, until it became a permanent fixture in my personality. I couldn't understand where the dark, morbid thoughts were coming from, nor the extreme reactions to petty gossip, and it scared me. And all I could do was hold onto it, not tell anyone about it, because I didn't want to worry them, or I didn't want them to think I couldn't handle this assignment, or killing Strigoi, or being a guardian. I let it all out the only way I knew how; physically.

"Rose!" Alberta's voice cut through my thoughts as I came to a halt. I'd been running laps as per my usual wake up, and had completely switched off to my surroundings. I turned to see Alberta panting behind me, and realised that I had outrun her by miles. I wasn't feeling the strain yet, but it was clear from her reaction that I had done some seriously uncharacteristically extreme exercise. "Hold up. What's the rush?"

"I didn't realise how fast I was running," I said honestly, before grinning. "Or maybe your old age is catching up with you and you can't go as fast as I you used to." She frowned and I wiped the smile from my face. "Or not," I muttered.

"Our teacher-student relationship does not change just because I'm training you on a one-to-one basis, understand Miss Hathaway?" Alberta asked, although there was a distant glint in her eyes that said otherwise. I didn't want to push the matter, not after the argument we'd had when Christian had snuck off to see Lissa on mine and Eddie's watch. That hadn't been pretty.

"Yes Guardian Petrov," I answered. I spotted Christian, Lissa and Adrian heading over towards us. Alberta saw where I was looking and checked her watch. I took that as silent permission for me to leave. "Thanks," I shouted as I jogged towards my friends.

"Thought we'd find you here," Lissa smiled as I reached them. "You've been doing nothing but non-stop training on your days off for weeks now. You need to slow down Rose."

"No, you need to speed up and catch me." I grinned at Lissa, content in her presence. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, one I hadn't even realised that I'd been carrying on, and it felt good. "How will I ever secure my place as your best friend if I don't train hard? I need to make up for all of my bad choices." _And prove a certain Russian wrong_, I added silently.

"You're already miles ahead of your peers, little Dhampir. You don't need to keep up this pretense anymore. We all know you're working your way to my heart with the tough girl facade." Adrian punctuated his deluded whisper with a wink. I rolled my eyes, glad that Lissa was too busy chattering about her Sunday off.

"We were going to watch a movie later," she was saying when I pulled myself away from Adrian-_Slimeball_-Ivashkov. "Me, Christian and Eddie. You too, Adrian, if you want to of course. We thought it'd be great to take advantage of the Sabbath day, since you and Eddie will be on Moroi watch again tomorrow."

Lissa was finding the whole assignment hilarious, calling it her reminiscence period. It reminded her of when we broke out of Vlad's and made our own way in the real world. But even though she said that aloud, I knew that the real reason she was so happy was because she thought I'd finally gotten rid of my grief. And maybe I had shed it, because this darkness I felt was more like rage then pain. But then again, I'm no psychologist. All I knew was Lissa was happy, which was enough for me.

My own happiness always started and ended with hers. "Sure," I said. "I'll come over once I've showered."

"I'm glad," Christian said dryly. "Because, no offense Rose, you stink. Ever hear of deodorant? I hear it does wonders for the pits."

"Well, I heard it doesn't work wonders Christian," I gasped, faking incredulity. "I heard that it crushes the beautiful smell of body odor, which you've clearly never smelt. Let me rid your ignorance. Come here." I raced towards him, and before he could react I was on his back, raising my arms so that he got a face full of my armpits. I grinned evilly at him, until the aroma of singeing hair was added to the mix. I dropped onto the floor, away that he'd set my hair on fire. "You're hilarious," I muttered, running my hands through my hair to check for damage.

"Christian!" Lissa exclaimed, rushing to my side. I stuck my tongue out at him triumphantly. "You've burnt Rose's cheek." I felt Lissa's cool fingers touch my face. It hurt for a second, before the touch became warm and tingling, Spirit dancing at the tips of her fingers. With the magic came a burst of euphoria that spilled from Lissa's head into mine, and it felt _good_. Just pure and safe and oh so _good_. Like the best hit of caffeine and sugar ever. And then it was gone, and a sudden low hit me hard like an iron fist.

Rage and anger at Christian for burning me, disappointment for his behaviour, hurt at his disregard to _my_ best friend, although that didn't make sense. I stared at the ground, these feelings bubbling across my skin like acid, burning me. And then my head snapped up, eyes glaring at Christian. He stepped back, shocked, although he wasn't as shocked as Lissa, whose thoughts bombarded my head.

_What's wrong Rose? You look angry. Stop staring at Christian like that. You're scaring him._

I did as she asked, wheeling around so I was facing her. "It's always about Christian, isn't it? You never ask after me, or tell people to get off _my _case. And you're spending more and more time with him. It's a wonder you actually know how I feel anymore. But then again, you don't do you? You don't know what's going on in here, about what I'm feeling. It's always about Princess Vasilisa. The last of the Dragomirs."

As soon as the words were out my mouth, I wanted to catch them and shove them back in. Lissa's eyes filled with tears and for once, I couldn't hear anything that was going on in her head, mostly because there wasn't anything happening in there. She was in shock, like me, and the two separate feelings clashed and filled me up so I could feel nothing else.

"What is wrong with you Rose?" Christian charged at me, shoving me aside roughly as the first tear rolled down Lissa's cheek. "What the hell is wrong with _you_?" He hissed the last word, but I couldn't answer. Even Adrian was silenced by my outburst.

"Liss, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to say anything." My words fell on deaf ears. I had no idea where the slip in restraint had come from. We'd been laughing, and then the euphoria of Spirit, and then sudden anger. I couldn't place where it had come from. "Lissa - "

Christian pulled her away from me, shielding her with his arm as if my words could slide off him easily. I wish they could. I wish I could pick them up and run with them, somewhere they'd never be heard again. I could only watch in horror as Christian started walking Lissa away from me. His demeanor made me feel small and selfish. I was a monster. I'd just ripped into the only people who really cared about me, and I wasn't sure if I could fix it this time. And it wasn't the words that I'd said; it was more than that. It was the _way_ that I'd said them, that cold tone, so alien to my usual arrogance.

"Rose?" Adrian had walked up in front of me without my noticing. I blinked back angry tears, not wanting him to see me crying. He'd seen anyway, and he raised a hand to wipe one glistening drop away. "Rose, what is up with you? That was more than grief about Mason. That was contempt. That was really deep, really internal, and really spontaneous. I thought that everything was getting better with you. That you were on the road to recovery."

His kind tone and concern angered me. I didn't deserve it, and I wanted him to shout at me, like Christian had. Hell, I wanted him to throw punches my way. Violence was the only outlet for me, and he needed to know just that. Sarcasm dripped from my tongue as I spat words at him; "Well, you thought wrong, didn't you. Clearly I'm not alright. I'm screwed up. So screwed in the head that even I can't figure out what's going on. Try and analyse that, Adrian. And let me know when you figure it out."

I span on my heel and stalked towards the Dhampir dormitory. He didn't follow, and that bothered me more than I was willing to admit. Adrian had always been one of the only people who constantly chased after me, even after I pushed him away. It seemed that I'd finally found a way to stop him, at a time when I didn't want him to. The swirling darkness in my chest threatened to rise up again, constricting my lungs so each breath was heavy and full of fire. I was hyperventilating; I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was the grief of losing Mason. Maybe it was the pain of having my heart broken. Maybe it was the trauma of killing another being. Or maybe it was all of them combined.

Somehow, I knew it wasn't any of the things I'd listed. Adrian was right; I _had_ been getting better at coping. Mason's death was easier to deal with when I was occupied 24/7. My heart, as much as it hurt, was easy to ignore. And Guardian Petrov and talked me out of my stunned stupor over killing Strigoi. This depression, because that was what it was at the end of the day, came from somewhere different, somewhere outside myself. And that thought didn't make me feel better. How was I supposed to confront an unknown force?

A wave of nausea crashed down on me as I crossed the campus, and I stopped, crippled over in antagonising pain. I glanced around, looking for someone who could help me, but nobody was around. I cursed, straightening up as the pain subsided into a sick feeling. There was a shed nearby, and the door was ajar, even though it was normally locked. Confused, I started to walk over there, but stopped when another figure caught my eye. A familiar figure, who's appearance sent chills running down my spine.

It was Mason.

He was stood beside the shed, and his manner told me he was guarding it. I shook my head. How could Mason be guarding anything? He wasn't even alive. I had to be hallucinating. But even after blinking several times, he was still stood there, blocking my way to the shed. I took a step forward, wanting to see if he would disappear. He didn't, and my action only rose a shake of the head from him. He was warning me. But why?

"Mason," I whispered, surprised by the tightness in my voice. It was like that one word had broken me. "Is that you? Are you really here?"

He nodded, a mournful and sad look on his face. Panic took over from fear as a crazy thought entered my head. What if he was here for revenge? What if he was here to kill me, to avenge himself? Or maybe he was here because I'd gotten over him too quickly, and he wanted to remind me that he was still here, still needed to be remembered. I felt sad at that thought.

"I haven't forgotten you Mason," I said, in what I hoped was a reassuring voice. Could you reassure ghosts? I didn't know. I wasn't even sure he was real, but I was going to make the most of his appearance. "I could never get over your death. I feel guilty every day. But I had to stop living in the past. You understand, don't you?"

Great. I'd lost my friends, so now my mind was conjuring up dead ones to make me feel better. But I couldn't stop the relief that flooded through me when he nodded. I wanted him to talk, to say something to me. Anything. It was crazy, but I wanted to take comfort from hearing him talk to me one last time.

But it seemed that Mason couldn't talk, or communicate with me in any vocal way. He could only nod or shake his head. I wanted to move nearer, but the nausea hadn't subsided, and he still guarded that door to the shed as if his life depended on it. Which was ridiculous, since he was already dead. Maybe _my_ life depended on it. Something nasty was hiding in that shed, and he didn't want me to see.

"I'm sorry Mason. I'm so sorry for getting you killed." The words spurted out my mouth without my permission, but ghost Mason didn't seem to notice. He was staring fixedly over my shoulder, and I turned to see what it was he was staring at. When I didn't spot anything, I turned back, but he was gone. I stared at the shed for a while longer, sensing that something was different about it, but not knowing what. Feeling spooked, I turned away and headed for my room.

It wasn't until I was safely in the shower getting washed that I realised the shed door had been shut when I looked at it again.

* * *

There seemed no point in me going to the Moroi dorm to watch a film anymore, considering I'd offended each of the people who'd invited me over, so I threw a jacket on and headed outside. I'd calmed down since the ordeal, the irrational anger having gone somewhere between my hallucination and my shower revelation. I was losing my mind, and there was only one way to go; alone. I felt proud of myself as I followed the gate that fenced the academy in around in slow laps. This new Rose had certainly grown up and become selfless beyond recognition.

On my third lap of the school, a wave of fear swept over me. I knew it wasn't mine, and this stopped me dead in my tracks. Should I take a look into Lissa's mind, after everything I'd done earlier? It seemed wrong, like I was invading her cool off period. But at the same time, it wasn't often that Lissa felt fear, and when she did, it was serious. I took a deep breath in, waving goodbye to selfless Rose.

Lissa was surrounded by a group of Moroi. A quick head count told me there were five, one of them being Jesse Zeklos. Immediately I felt concern; Jesse Zeklos was trouble, and he'd been going around different Moroi a lot lately, though I didn't know what he was asking of them. What I did know, was that there were hurt Moroi appearing too. I hadn't put the two events together, but now pieces seemed to be slotting together. Jesse looked like he meant business, and was staring at Lissa with a reverence I didn't appreciate.

"We know you do it Lissa. How else could you have gotten everyone to like you, so soon after getting back to the Academy? And with Hathaway in tow too. We just want to learn, not to hurt people, but so we can get what _we_ want," he was saying adamantly. I wondered briefly why Lissa was with them, and not with Christian, watching a film.

"And what is it that you want so badly?" Lissa asked, unable to hide the note of fear in her voice. "A girlfriend? Or more cronies?" She gazed around at the other Moroi reproachfully, and I felt pride at the way she was handling the situation, at least verbally.

"We want Dhampirs. We want to get guardians over all other Moroi. And we need to use compulsion to do that. We know that you can do it better than anyone else, Lissa. You could teach us, and in return, we could teach you defensive magic, or we could protect you, or give you money." Jesse and his "friends" were all nodding excitedly. I felt an oncoming storm, and looked around their hiding place for signs of where they were. I recognised it, and was about to pull out of Lissa's mind when something happened.

Lissa must have said no, or shaken her head, because Jesse was suddenly angry. He stepped up into Lissa's face, and she cowered away. He raised a hand, but instead of hitting her, he clenched his fist tightly. Lissa started choking, and I figured that Jesse was an Air user, and he was constricting Lissa's air supply. Her panic and fear climbed into me, and I couldn't pull out of her head into mine. It took several tries, and I didn't realise when I did. I started running towards her, her terror like a neon beacon.

I spotted them, and I felt anger when I saw that a Water user was holding a sphere of water over Lissa's head. They dropped it away, moving onto Fire. I wasn't going to let them get that far, and before the Fire user could start, I had tackled him to the ground. I looked down and spotted Ralk Sarcozy underneath me, his face red with anger and embarrassment. I jumped to my feet, swinging around to glare at Jesse and the remaining Moroi.

"What do you think you're doing?" I growled, adrenaline coursing through me. I was gunning for a good fight, and it looked like I was going to get one. "Why the Hell were you hurting Lissa for? You could have killed her, or caused serious damage!" I looked around to check on Lissa, and saw that she was just shaken up. She smiled at me weakly, and I knew that our previous argument was forgotten. I would have thanked Jesse if I hadn't been about to kill him.

"She could have stopped them. All she had to do was use compulsion. That was all we were doing. We wanted to see her use compulsion. We know she can do it," he added accusingly.

"That's against the rules, Jesse. You know that. And so is using offensive magic," I added, staring at the other Moroi, who seemed about ready to start attacking me with their element. I was willing to bet that there was a user in each of them here. I glanced up and spotted Christian running towards us with a younger Moroi.

Jesse stared at me incredulously. "I know that you support that Ozera woman and her campaign to get schools to teach offensive magic, so don't give me any of your crap, Rose." He nodded his head, arrogance dripping from him. I just grinned, seeing Christian come up to Jesse from behind.

"That would be my aunt you're talking about, Zeklos. And she's campaigning for it to be taught and used against Strigoi, not other Moroi. Which is exactly what you're doing here. Isn't that right, Dane?" Christian asked the boy next to him, who nodded. He had cuts and burns across his face, and I figured that Jesse had tried to initiate compulsion in him too.

"Yeah. I told the headmistress, Jess, so you better get out of here before she shows, or before Rose kicks your ass." He stared at me with a weird appreciation that I knew I didn't deserve. But he was right. If Jesse didn't get the Hell outta dodge, I would kick his ass. All the way across Montana if I had to.

"Shut up Dane, you stupid little tattletale. Why'd you go and get the headmistress involved? And," Jesse paused, glaring at Christian with unrestrained hate. "Why'd you have to go and get that Strigoi lover involved? Don't you put blood before traitors?"

Ah, so Dane was Jesse's little brother. I decided to step in. Or step forward, as the case were. I was still pumping with adrenaline, and really looking forward to a fight. And Jesse could see that as I moved towards him. "Apparently your brother has better taste in _friends _- " I glanced around at the crowd of Moroi in disgust. " - Than your _friends_ do. So I suggest you scat, before I take out all my pent up rage on your pretty boy face."

Jesse opened his mouth as if to say something, before thinking better of it. He turned and walked away, taking his followers with him. Dane grinned happily at Christian. "Nice bluff Christian," he said. "And will you really teach me how to use offensive magic, the proper way I mean? Because I want to be able to fight Strigoi, like Rose!"

"Sure thing kiddo," Christian said, with an unusual softness. "Now head back to your dorm before you get in trouble. I need to talk with badass Rose, before she slinks off, or starts killing all the people still remaining in the area." He nudged Dane away, who was staring at me as if I really might pounce on him. Which was all I needed. More rumours, this time from a snotty-nosed kid, however cute.

Dane sent me one last, curious look, before heading towards the main campus. Christian turned to me, a blank expression in place. It seemed that he would take longer to win over. I put my hands in the air, pretending to surrender to a quiet talk. "Look, I know what I did earlier was completely bitchy of me - "

Christian cut me off. "Bitchy, stupid, mean, selfish, cruel, unnecessary, out of the blue, stupid ... Wait, didn't I say stupid twice already? Maybe I should just repeat that over and over, because you were Rose. Really stupid."

"You think I don't know that," I said in exasperation. "Because I do, better than anyone. And I am sorry. I don't know where it came from, and that's the problem. If I knew where all this anger and resentment was coming from, I would deal with it. But I don't, and I need you guys here to help me out. And I can't - " I stopped, distracted by the sight of Mason.

I'd put my earlier sighting of Mason down to tiredness, and that angry outburst. But he was here, again. And this time he wore a panicked expression on his face. I stared at him, and when the nausea hit, I knew what was about to happen. I turned to Christian and Lissa, who were staring at me in concern. I didn't have time to explain, or test my hypothesis. I just needed to get them out of here.

"Run."

"What? Rose, what's wrong? You've gone pale. Are you sick?" Lissa said in a panicked voice, rushing to my side. "Do you want me to heal you? I could make it better."

"No Liss, I want you to run. Run, and keeping running until you find a guardian." I gripped her forearms tightly, wanting her to understand, to believe me. "You have to find them, and tell them that the school is under attack. Tell them - " I paused, taking in a deep breath. "Tell them that Strigoi have broken into the school."

"But Rose - "

"No Lissa, run." A loud laugh behind us told me that the Strigoi I'd sensed, however that had happened, was here. Lissa froze, and I pushed her, urging her to run. "I''ll hold them off. You need to get out of here. You'll just get in the way," I finished, when I saw her concerned look. She nodded, and ran faster than I'd seen her run.

"You shouldn't have done that."


	6. Too Late

**VI**: Too Late

"Caues it's too late to turn back now; It's too loud to hear a sound; I'm so lost, I can't be found; It's too late to turn back now," **Too Late**, Dead By Sunrise

* * *

I turned around slowly to find that there were two Strigoi behind me, a man and a women. They didn't look too happy that I'd made Lissa run to safety, and I smirked. A low growl came from the male's throat as he made to follow after Lissa. I jumped at him, knocking his legs from beneath him as he made to sprint after her. "No you don't," I spat. "You have to get through me, before you can get to her. And that won't be easy."

Both the Strigoi started laughing, although that faded when another person stepped up beside me. I didn't have to look to know that it was Christian. I was glad he was there, because I had no weapon, except for a play stake that could no more damage a Strigoi, than it could a guardian. Which was fantastic for them, and bad for me.

"Aw, you've got a little Moroi friend to help you out. What a pathetic guardian you'll be," the woman said in a baby voice. It was the last thing she said, because her head suddenly burst into flames, followed by the rest of her body. I watched in fascination, knowing that Christian was the cause. That didn't last long, because the male Strigoi flung himself towards me.

I ducked, hitting the floor fast enough that the Strigoi sailed over my head. I turned as quickly as I could, managing to block a second blow that had been heading my way. I moved defensively, before switching to offensive, diving at the Strigoi. He blocked my punch, twisting my arm up my back. I let out a yelp of pain, before swinging my foot backwards at his groin. The angle of my blow helped distract him long enough for me to break free and swing my leg around, hitting him in the chest.

I looked around for a makeshift weapon, finding one in the shape of broken branch. It wasn't strong looking, but it was sharp, and with enough force, I could probably get it into his chest deep enough to kill him. I grabbed it, flying forward as the Strigoi's foot connected with my back. I landed on the floor, winded, and rolled onto my front in time to see the Strigoi baring down on me. He went for my neck, leaving his chest free. He'd obviously made an assumption that I was unarmed, and I wasn't going to waste my one shot.

Once the branch was angeled right, I shoved my new "stake" upwards. I used the ground to help steady me, as I forced it in with as much power as I could. The Strigoi stopped what he was doing, and tried to swot at me, but I pushed his arm to the side. One more shove, and the stake had snapped off inside his chest. It wasn't until I got from under him that I realised I had inadvertently killed him.

Christian was staring at me in fear, and I realised what the problem was. "Don't worry. He was only a Strigoi. There will probably be more too, so I better get a different weapon. I've lost mine." I nudged the dead Strigoi with my foot, aware that the kill had been completely down to luck.

"That's not the problem here," Christian said as I turned away with the intention of getting my hands on a real stake. "You predicted the appearance of Strigoi. How'd you do it?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly, as we picked up the pace. "But it's a pretty useful tool to have, when you're a guardian. Talking of which, I wonder if the guardians believed Lissa's story." This was something that had been bothering me, because who would honestly believe that Strigoi had gotten past the wards and onto campus. Although I had a theory about how the Strigoi had gotten into the school.

"I guess they did," Christian replied, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up to see Guardian Petrov leading the way down towards us. Lissa wasn't in sight, so I guessed they had taken her seriously and sent her to safety. That, or she was in Kirova's office, in deep trouble.

"Rose!" Alberta called, stopping when she reached me. "Vasilisa told us you saw a Strigoi outside the school. Where was it?" I was glad she hadn't questioned why I'd been out after curfew, and annoyed she'd assumed that the Strigoi were safely outside the boundaries. It explained why she only had three other guardians with her though.

"Not outside, inside," I corrected patiently. "The Strigoi are inside the school. Christian killed one, and I killed one. I think there are more coming." I actually knew more were coming; the nausea hadn't faded yet, but I wasn't about to reveal my psychic Strigoi detection yet, along with my ghost seeing abilities. Not when I wanted to stay and fight.

"How could a pair of Strigoi get past the wards?" came a snide voice, one I recognised as Stan's. He always used that tone with me, no matter what it was I did, good or bad. "I think that Miss Hathaway is just looking for more attention, now that the fame of her escapades has faded."

I bit back all the remarks I wanted to come out with, and focused on Alberta. "I have a theory about the wards, but you have to warn all the students and staff. More are coming, I can promise you that, and if you don't believe me, check for the bodies."

Alberta signalled to the other guardian amongst them, and she jogged down to the place where Christian and me had been seconds earlier. She came back, shock etched onto her face. "There are two bodies down there. One's pretty badly charred up, and the other has been staked. They were well over the wards, into the school grounds. I think the wards have failed. We might just have an attack on our hands."

Alberta looked between me and Christian, who were both staring at her earnestly. We wanted to fight, and she could see that. "Stan, walk Miss Hathaway and Mr Ozera back to their dorms. Me and Alicia will raise the alarm and gather more guardians. We're going to need reinforcements."

Stan nodded, and started sheparding me and Christian towards the buildings. I spotted a stake attached to his belt, and a plan formed in my head. I was not going to let them fight without me, not when they were clearly outnumbered. They'd need me, and I'd had more than enough training. All I needed to do was snag that stake, and then I could be off. I walked beside Stan slowly, my hand snaking towards his belt. Luckily, he was distracted.

"What's this idea you've gotten into your head about the wards coming down?" he asked, genuinely curious. "Because we check them every other day, and they were fine. What do you think happened?" It was surreal to see him treat me like an actual guardian, and not as a disruptive student. "Rose?" He turned to look at me, and I shook myself out of my thoughts. As I paused to take a moment to think, Christian came from behind him, snagging the stake. I looked at him in surprise, and saw a glint in his eyes that probably shone in mine; he wanted to help too.

"A group of Moroi students have been holding offensive magic classes out here, by the school boundary lines. I think the offensive magic countered the defensive magic, weakening the bonds until they were easy to break. It would explain why it was hard to notice, and why it might have happened so suddenly. It's like those idiots, to mess around with things they can't handle and cause danger to themselves and everyone in the school," I finished fiercely, anger flaring up in my chest as I remembered the fear Lissa had felt when they had suffocated her.

"Offensive magic? Like the Ozera campaign?" Stan asked in confusion, looking between me and Christian in turn, although his look lingered longer on Christian. I had a feeling then that even some of the teachers had mixed feelings towards Christian and his aunt. And maybe they had to view him as a potential threat. Heck, I was probably a potential threat too. A flight risk.

"No, not like the Ozera campaign. They weren't teaching offensive magic for the good of students, or for defending against Strigoi. They were using their offensive magic to bring out compulsion in other students, and then trying to get the strongest compulsion users to join them so they could get they way with older Moroi and guardians." My voice was shaking by the end, and Christian came over to pat me on the back, and slide the stake to me.

"We'll have to deal with that issue later then." We were stood outside the Dhampir dormitory, which was getting more and more crowded with students. They all had that same stunned look of confusion and fear on their faces, although the older students had a steely determination there too. I saw some of my classmates gathering together to discuss defending the building. "I want you two to get in there with your classmates. And don't go anywhere," Stan added. Funny how he only looked at me when he said that.

"We won't," Christian and me chorused at the same time. We sounded like little kids, and our intentions were probably just as troublesome. Stan eyed us both suspiciously, then decided there was nothing he could do about us. He walked away to the nearest group of guardians, dropping into the conversation easily. "Right," Christian said, turning to me. "What's the plan?"

"Check on Lissa first and foremost. Come on," I said, grabbing his wrist to drag him out of sight. We slipped around the corner and into the shadows. "Keep an eye out for me while I take a look at where Lissa is. I need you to stop the teachers, guardians and Strigoi from getting close to us."

Christian nodded nervously, taking the stake that I had handed him. I didn't expect him to have to use it, but I still gave him a brief rundown on where to aim, and how to get it in between the ribcages. I smiled as reassuringly as I could, considering the circumstances, before stepping back and using my worry to pinpoint Lissa's location. It was easy as our feelings and emotions were the same, running taunt and high.

She was in the Moroi dormitory with Adrian and Eddie. They were on the second floor, which was easier to defend because of the lack of climbable areas outside, although that had never stopped me before. Eddie had a comforting hand on Lissa's shoulder, while Adrian paced from side to side, nervously. Other Moroi were bunched together, along with some Dhampirs, and they all looked scared. Guardians stood at either end of the hallway, guarding the doors and windows.

"Where's Rose and Christian?" Lissa whispered through her fingers, her hands covering her face and tears. "They're still out there somewhere. I just left them alone. What if the Strigoi overpowered them? Rose didn't even have a weapon. If anything happens to them, it'll be all my fault."

"No it won't. Rose told you to raise the alarm and you did. She told you to get help and you did. And I'm sure the help would have reached her in time," Adrian said softly. He had stopped pacing, and had lain a soothing hand on Lissa's shoulder. I felt relief that he was there to talk reason into her. I was afraid that she might do something stupid with me and Christian at risk. "Anyway, Rose is a badass guardian-in-training, she could take them on with her bare hands. It's you we need to keep safe."

"Because I'm the princess, not Rose. I'm the last Dragomir, not Rose. I'm the Moroi, not Rose." I'd never seen Lissa so angry. She had turned on Adrian with a speed I would have been proud to manage, her eyes narrowed in malice. The turn in mood worried me, even though she was defending me. It reminded me too much of the days before her depression was known. "What if I want to give back to Rose? What if I want to put her first for once?"

"Is this because of the argument you had with her earlier?" Adrian asked, stepping backwards nervously. Even Eddie looked tense, ready to step in between Lissa and Adrian if the need arose. He had probably never considered that he might have to break up two Moroi, rather than Strigoi. "Because Rose would want you safe."

"And I want her safe," Lissa retorted. She had climbed to her feet, and looked ready to bolt at any given moment. "I'm going to find her."

"No your not." It was Eddie who had spoken, not Adrian, and he rose to his feet too, ready to jump onto Lissa if he had to. I felt relief that he was there to keep Lissa in the safety of the Moroi dormitory. She wasn't thinking straight, and needed someone to calm her down and make her see reason. Pretty sure that Lissa wasn't going anywhere, I pulled out of her head, just in time to get the warm feeling of Spirit and compulsion mix together.

"No - " I started to shout, before a hand clamped down on my mouth. I looked around wildly with the intention of hitting my attacker, only to find Christian glaring at me. I stopped wiggling, and he dropped his hand from my mouth. "What was that for? No, don't answer that. I don't want to know what thoughts pass through your head. We've got to get to the Moroi dormitory and stop Lissa from leaving it. She can be so stupid at times."

"Wait, what?" Christian asked, staring at me as though I'd just declared my love for him. "Lissa's going to do what? Leave the dormitory. Why?"

"To save us. So move your butt, and help cover me." I looked around the corner; no one stood outside anymore, and from the looks of it, a fight had broken out in the distance. Screams and shouts were noticeable now, and a shiver ran through me at the thought of people dying. I couldn't think like that, not about my classmates. All I could do was go out there and help boost the numbers. "You coming?" I called back to Christian. He nodded nervously, and we ran towards the noise and the Moroi dorms.

We didn't get far before the first fight found us, a wave of nausea warning me. Stan and another, female guardian were fighting three Strigoi, and losing. Stan's left eye was badly swollen, and he seemed dead on his feet. I looked once behind me to check on Christian, before stepping up beside Stan. He sent a dark look in my direction, telling me he wasn't overly pleased to see me, although he kept his mouth shut tight. I nodded my acknowledgement, eyes following the slow shuffle of the Strigoi. It was just a ploy, a distraction, and I wasn't taken in. I knew only too well how fast they could move.

I wrapped my fingers around the cool stake, aware that it belonged to Stan, and might be the reason for his beat up state. It was soothing, and I maneuvered it so it was hidden up my sleeve. The Strigoi smirked as it surveyed me, underestimating me like the ones before it had. I didn't appreciate being underestimated, but it was a useful advantage. The sounds of the fighting behind us went on for as long as we stood still, and then it struck.

It barreled into my, flinging me down onto the ground. As it tried to wrap its arms around me, I wiggled lower, his chest directly above me. I brought my arm up, only for it to be blocked by the Strigoi. I panicked, unable to get to my stake, but a second later the Strigoi was on his feet. Stan had grabbed him, and was now facing him with his own stake. I rolled onto my side, jumping onto his back. My stake slid from my sleeve, and I pressed the point against his back, driving it in as soon as it was registered. The Strigoi convulsed for a minute, before collapsing forward.

I didn't pause, swinging around to face the second and third Strigoi, who were getting one over on Christian and his guardian partner. Christian looked exhausted as he tried to will flames to manifest, and I realised that his earlier burst had worn him down slightly. The guardian was faring worse; both Strigoi were baring down on her, and she had blood trickling from her neck. I recognised the dazed expression, and ran to help.

"Oi!" I yelled, and the two Strigoi stopped for a moment, turning to look at me. They spotted their fallen comrade, and narrowed their eyes. I grinned, signaling for them to come and get me. One of them stepped forwards, blurring towards me. Their method of attacking was getting old, and they were clearly used to their victims being overpowered by their speed alone.

A fist materialised in front of me, and I had just enough time to turn to the right and take the brute force of it in my cheek. I hit the floor hard for the hundredth time in so many hours, spitting blood as I went. The Strigoi stiffened, the scent of fresh blood making his pupils dilate and his mouth drip with saliva. I felt disgusted as a drop landed on the floor beside me, but used the distraction to clamber back to my feet. The world span in wide circles as I made it upright, and I shook my head to clear it. The Strigoi before me did the same thing, and we were ready to send the next attacks. He raced forward, grabbing my hair and yanking my head back far enough to expose my throat.

The taste of rust in my mouth reminded me painfully of what he wanted, and while his teeth went closer to my neck, my hands grappled with my stake, exchanging it between hands. I held it tightly, and as his teeth grazed my skin, I sent it plunging into his neck. He screamed, and dropped my head back. I tugged my stake out, and it slipped from my hand, leaving me weaponless. The Strigoi removed his hand from his neck, and fisted it. Before he had a chance to move, I did, sending my foot against his chest with as much force as I could. He stumbled, and I grabbed my stake. But before I could attack him again, he burst into flames.

"Thanks," I muttered, knowing that Christian was beside me. I gingerly touched my cheek, noting how it had swollen. It would make for one nasty bruise. "Maybe you should keep to low level fire welding," I said as we returned to Stan and his partner. The third Strigoi was headless and charred by their feet.

"You're probably right," Christian said. "It's exhausting. I'll distract 'em, and you can stake 'em. Killing isn't really my thing. As for you," he briefly glanced at the two Strigoi I'd helped kill. "You're doing pretty well as a killing machine. Let's go."

"Wait a minute," Stan said, stepping our way as we tried to move to the next fight. I figured that he was gonna yell at me for taking his stake, endangering his life, endangering Christian's life, and disobeying orders. It was what he'd usually do. But his next words surprised me. "Thanks for the help, Rose. We'd have been dead if it wasn't for your help. I know that I can't make you go to safety, so please be careful. Not that you need me to tell you that."

I nodded, jogging off into the distance where smoke and shouts were rising into the air. Nausea hit me as we approached the Strigoi invested areas, but I shoved it away. I couldn't let it distract me. It was a good warning to the arrival of Strigoi, but it was rendered useless now, what with the high numbers.

A crowd emerged suddenly, and we spotted guardians, Moroi and Strigoi all weaving in and out of each other, landing blows and hits every now and again. The Moroi that were fighting all seemed to be teachers or staff, and all were Fire welders like Christian. Clearly Christian's earlier attack on the first Strigoi had inspired the guardians to get creative, and it was helping bump up the number of people defending the school. I didn't hesitate as a Strigoi stumbled into my path, stepping into the fight easily.

It seemed like we were fighting for hours. Moroi numbers dropped as they exhausted themselves, or were killed, although I didn't acknowledge the last thought. Even guardians were becoming exhausted, getting seriously injured as they slowed for a microsecond. I'd acquired a knife somewhere along the line, and I used it to decapitate wherever I could. Sometimes the Strigoi would be fighting someone else and I would land a fatal blow, sometimes they would be fighting me and I'd get a lucky break. Me and Christian were proving lethal, with Christian setting their heads on fire to give me a chance to attack.

This went on, and my nausea faded a little, as the number of Strigoi dropped. I was high on adrenaline, rushing about between parties, defending and helping other guardians, when a sudden, sharp shot of terror froze me. In the second that I stopped moving, a Strigoi managed to get a blow in, piercing my shoulder with the sharpened end of a metal pole. I winced, letting out a gasp of pain, as I stumbled back. Before my attacker could finish me off, Christian stepped between us, burning the Strigoi up.

"Why'd you stop attacking?" Christian asked, whirling around on me as soon as he could. Fights still continued on around us, but no one seemed to be paying us any attention. I covered my wound with my hand, my stomach lurching as it came away sticky and black.

"Lissa," I groaned. "Something's wrong. I need to check on her." A headless Strigoi fell beside us. I ignored it, looking for a place to hide. "Could you keep an eye out again, while I take another quick look? She should be in the dorms, so maybe it's nothing." I remembered briefly that Lissa had been about to use compulsion the last time I'd checked, and I mentally berated myself for forgetting. I'd been so caught up in trying to survive, that I'd forgotten where I'd been going.

"Lissa?" Christian repeated, before gripping my arm and pulling me away from the battle. I flinched as pain flared across my shoulder and down my arm, but I swallowed back the pain, concern for my best friend racing through me. "What do you mean something's wrong? Do you think she left the dormitories after all?" His eyes were wide and frightened, which in turn scared me. He'd just faced down hordes of Strigoi, but the thought of Lissa in the hands of them made him terrified.

"Yes. Her fear ripped through me. It was great enough to make me hesitate. I need to see where she is." Christian didn't respond, shoving me into a recess in one of the school buildings. Without a word, he put a wall of fire between us and the rest of the world. I nodded, slipping into Lissa's mind easily as her emotions dragged me down.

She was not in the Moroi dormitory, that was the first thing I noticed. The second thing I noticed were the trees that walled up on either side of her. The final thing I noticed were the two pairs of Strigoi that were standing in front of her. All eight eyes were on her, glinting like jewels in the night. They seemed pleased that they'd stumbled upon this Moroi, but none of them seemed to recognise her, or realise who she was. Lissa was determined not to speak.

"Well, well, well." One of the Strigoi stepped forward, slowly and with a deliberated ease. Lissa's heart rate peaked, and I felt her breathing quicken. "What do we have here? Three little tasty snacks, all waiting to be gobbled up. I think I'm going to have to step out from enemy lines for this!"

"Leave them alone." That was Eddie, and I felt horror and relief that he was there with Lissa. I did a quick calculation, coming to the conclusion that the third person had to be Adrian. Between them, they had Eddie, who would not be enough to take down four Strigoi. "You'll have to fight me first, before you lay a hand on either of my charges."

"How cute! A teenage Dhampir, willing to lay his life down already! I think I'll take him. He'll taste like bravery and pride." The other three Strigoi stepped forward together, closing in around my friends.

I pulled out of Lissa's head, not wanting to waste another moment watching the horror unfold. Christian dropped the fire as I touched his shoulder, and we both started sprinting towards the trees, Christian following me. Guardians called my name out as I ran, trying to tell me that the fight was over. I knew it wasn't, and I was determined to save Lissa. She was my charge, my best friend, and I owed it to her to protect her. I owed Eddie and Adrian too, who had done nothing but tried to support me over the past few months.

I was guided by my rising feelings of nausea since I hadn't looked for clues to their whereabouts in the woods. It must have been worse for Christian who was following me on blind faith. When the nausea faded, panic gripped me. I spun in fast circles, ignoring the pain and aches in my body, ignoring Christian, ignoring everything as I tried to spot them. Instead, a pale figure grabbed my attention, pointing towards my left. I nodded, saddened by his appearance, but relieved too.

"Thanks Mason," I whispered. I didn't see Christian's reaction, but I heard him hesitate behind me, before he followed.

The trees thickened as we got closer, and the sickness I associated with Strigoi came back, stronger than before. I slowed and Christian followed suit, the sound of voices and yelling alerting us to what was going on through the trees. I peeked through a tree, and spotted the Strigoi all circling my friends, taunting them as they moved. I felt Christian tense beside me, and I put an arm out to stop him from racing ahead. The Strigoi were coming close to our hiding place, so I waited for one to come nearer to me.

I didn't have to wait long, and as soon as the Strigoi's back was facing me, I slipped from behind the foliage and shoved my stake into his back. His death didn't go unnoticed, and pandemonium broke out as Strigoi grabbed at each other, or at Lissa, Eddie and Adrian. Christian strode out, burning one nearest to Lissa up automatically, dropping the numbers to two. I smirked, knowing we had the upper hand.

"Don't bother," I spat as one of the Strigoi made a leap for Adrian. He had moved aside in time, letting his attacker fall on nothing. "You're outnumbered and outmatched. You might as well stop trying to run off with victims." I flexed my fingers against my stake, both Strigoi eyes on it.

"I wouldn't say we were outmatched," one of them said, before throwing something at Eddie. It hit him hard, and he fell back, struggling underneath what I thought was a log. Christian raced forward to help, only to be grabbed by the second Strigoi. I ran forward to help, only to stop when Lissa screamed. I turned and found the first Strigoi holding her, his teeth around her neck. I knew in one bite her life would be over.

Eddie rose to his feet, standing beside me as we both mentally weighed up our options. I decided our options were none, and started thinking about suicidal tactics. If I could move fast enough, hit hard enough, then maybe the stake would managed to hit home ... No chance. I saw Eddie sag defeatedly beside me. I wasn't going to give up. Never. Lissa was my best friend. Fear, pain and panic rose in me higher and higher, until I felt like I was going to explode. Who knew what was going to happen now? The wards were down, people were dead, Lissa was trapped. I clenched my hands into fists, and a sudden, new pain split across my head.

Shadowy figures appeared all around us, pressing at something. I gasped as they made themselves clearer, recognizing a few faces among the ones I didn't know. There was Mason, watching me with a sad determination, and there was Lissa' parents, people who'd been dead for years. Andre, Lissa's brother, waved. My head ached, and my stomach heaved as these ghosts surged towards me. Ghosts only I could see.

"No, not me. Them," I whispered, clutching my head and falling to my knees. I watched as the ghosts turned on the Strigoi, distracting them. The one holding Lissa shoved her away as her parents and brother started pressing down on him. She rushed to my side, touching my head, trying to heal me. But she couldn't. I watched as the Strigoi swatted and pushed at the ghosts, but there was nothing they could do.

Eddie rushed towards the one who had held Lissa hostage, and I just managed to see him kill the Strigoi before I slipped into unconsciousness, taking the ghosts with me. Knowing that Lissa was safe helped me fade into black, no longer worried about being attacked.


	7. Laugh, I Nearly Died

**VII**: Laugh, I Nearly Died

"I hate to be denied; How you hurt my pride; I feel pushed aside; But laugh, I nearly died," **Laugh, I Nearly Died**, The Rolling Stones

* * *

THREE YEARS LATER

I put what felt like the hundredth pin in my hair, reminding myself who I was doing this for. Lissa was in the room next door to me, and was expecting my best behaviour. Not that I needed to be told twice; today was as important to me as it was to her. I turned to face the mirror as soon as my hair was in a tidy knot on the top of my head, every single thread of hair pulled taunt, before checking that the make-up I'd picked out didn't show up. I didn't need anyone jumping down my neck about guardian protocol. Other than the make-up, I looked fine, if not a little tired and worn.

"Rose?" came Lissa's voice, although I didn't need to hear her to know that she was stood in my doorway. "Are you ready to go down yet? I can wait a little if you need more time." She looked picture perfect, her Royal blood shining through in upbringing and pride. She wore a smart black dress, the only splash of colour a red bow that pulled her hair back from her face. She made me feel underdressed in my guardian issue suit.

"I'm done," I answered, turning away from the mirror. A quick look into Lissa's thoughts told me her heart was as heavy as mine. It was always the same on this day, even if this was the third time an official commemoration had happened. The brief thought of Tatiana leading the ceremony made my temper rise, and without speaking, Lissa pulled me into a hug. I felt the warmth of Spirit briefly pass between us, and my mood lifted considerably. "Sorry," I murmured.

"It's alright. I don't mind. You're the one taking the darkness from me. It's the least I can do." She stepped away from me, examining me closely. "And I haven't had time to check up on you lately. You were due for another dosage of the good stuff." She smiled, trying to reassure me, but not all of my bad mood was down to Spirit's darkness, and couldn't be taken away so easily. I smiled back though, to make Lissa feel better.

It was three years ago today that the attack on St. Vladimir's Academy happened, and because of the seriousness of what had happened, a commemorative day had been held on this date every year since. All the survivors of the attack had come back to the school to pay respect to the dead and lost loved ones, along with significant Royal Moroi. It was just a showcase of goodwill, and didn't have sincerity or depth. At least, that was what I thought, but I hadn't shared my opinion. Not after everything that my friends had been through during that time. I kept it zipped, knowing the Queen would be here to speak of the dead.

Even though the school's guardians fought to the best of their abilities - with mine and Christian's unorthodox help - they had suffered severe losses. At least half of the school's guardians had been killed or taken captive by Strigoi, along with students and staff. This had let to a heated argument, between me and Alberta. I'd wanted to retrieve those who'd been lost, and she'd wanted to regroup and defend the school. Of course, being in charge gave her the edge over me, even though I'd managed to get a significant number of people behind me. She hadn't believed that I could lead them there safely, and the matter had been closed quickly, something I'd never gotten over.

"What are you thinking of Rose?" asked Lissa, interrupting my reminiscing. "You've got that pained expression on your face again. The one that says 'I'm going to hurt the next person who looks at me funny'. It's a dangerous look." By this point in her speech, I had arched an eyebrow and gathered my emotions into a box. It was amazing how naturally those traits came with tragedy. They spoke of nonchalance and control, and I needed to look like I was in control. However, both those traits bugged Lissa. She hated the guardian mask I'd perfected.

"Lets go, is what I'm thinking, so move it sister. It's okay to be fashionably late to a party, but not to a memorial service." I ushered her from my room, patting myself down to check I had a stake handy. We were on campus, inside of the wards, but it's amazing what one attack can do to your faith in their protection.

"I wish you wouldn't hide your feelings from me Rose," Lissa sighed as we moved out of the room and into the hallway. The sun was just setting, and orange shafts of light kept lighting our way in odd intervals. "You don't have to pretend to be holding up when you're not. It's alright to admit that you actually have a heart."

"Me. Heart. Have a?" I asked, managing to look surprised when she turned on me. "I don't have a heart. I eat them. That's what gives guardians an edge in battle. Lots of protein in a still - "

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I don't want to hear the end of that sentence." Lissa had wrinkled her nose in disgust, and I smirked at her. I tried to be myself around her, I really did, but I'd lost a lot of myself in the last three years, and it was hard to get back what was gone. She was changed too, I knew that, and it pained me to see weary lines and dark smudges around her eyes. But, I thought bitterly, at least she has Christian to share her pain with. Someone to complete her. "Do you think Tatiana will keep the ceremony in taste this year?"

I snorted. "I doubt she knows what the word taste even means. It'll be the same tacky stuff all Royals like to spout out with when they talk of guardians and sacrifices. They also like to keep Moroi out of the fray too, you know, because of the movement Tasha has behind her." Pain flared in my chest as I uttered that one word, something Lissa missed as we emerged into the courtyard, the sun dipping below the mountains.

Lissa had smiled when I mentioned Tasha. She'd spent a lot of time with her the past few months, spending every spare minute away from her course at Lehigh and the Royal parties she'd attended recently, with the Ozeras. It goes without saying that I hadn't managed to be her guardian, another blow that had hit me hard after everything we'd been through, but an expected one. I'd managed to scrape a good reputation together though, towards the last of my school days, and I'd gotten a Royal to protect; Adrian.

I had to give credit where it was due, and he'd managed to pull some heavy strings to get me. First off, he'd had to convince his parents that he was actually going to do something with his life, and needed a guardian for it. Next, he'd played up my contribution in the Strigoi attack on Vlad's, and played down my rebellious attempt to get back the stolen students. And finally, he'd sucked up to his great-aunty (who'd turned out to be the Queen herself) and convinced her I'd be good with him. Normally female guardians were assigned to girls, but since we were near each other in age, Adrian thought I'd make lethal arm candy.

"Adrian's here," Lissa said with a nudge, and I looked up in time to spot him coming over from the largest courtyard where the ceremony would be. Since so many people were coming, it had be held outside. "He looks happy to see you." I resisted the urge to snort again. Adrian was always happy to see me.

"Little Dhampir. Princess." He nodded his head at each of us, before coming to a halt near me. His proximity made me wonder which one of us was guardian. "I have news concerning the lineup for today's event. Headmistress, Priscilla Voda, Queen, Father. And as for the guest list, well, it seems that Tasha Ozera has decided to come this time." His eyes landed on me with a knowing glint, and my heart contracted tightly. If _she_ was here, then _he_ would be here too. Maybe.

"Does that mean Dimitri's here?" Lissa asked, voicing my fearful question. My heart was hammering faster, and tightening too so that it was suddenly hard to breath. Everything I'd ever felt towards him had built up into my chest, including the blame I'd laid on him for not being there when I needed him, when the school needed him. What ifs had haunted me after that fight, like _what if Dimitri had been here? Would they have listened to him? He'd have listened to me. Maybe we'd have saved those who'd been taken ..._

"Yes, the Russian's here too. I saw him talking with Eddie." Adrian's eyes hadn't left me, and I knew he was watching my every reaction, my every movement. I caught myself, straightening up so that my posture didn't give away the turmoil inside of me. I was Rose Hathaway, guardian, and I did not unravel at the sound of a man's name. "He wants to see you Lissa. He said it's been a while since your last visit with Christian."

Always Lissa he asked after, always her. I'd learnt to keep that jealousy buried deep within me. I'd learnt to keep a lot of things concerning Dimitri buried deep within me. I'd tried to let my love fade, let it die, but it never seemed to go away, forever torturing me. It had been three years, and I still hadn't grown out of it. And maybe I never would. But it seemed that the more it held onto my emotions, the less likely it was that I could form new relationships. And believe me, I'd tried. But instead of fighting against the inevitable, I worked with it.

"You should go see him," I told Lissa pleasantly, and I saw her react to my change in tone. "I'll hang out with my charge until the ceremony." Lissa turned to look at me, and I felt her frustration flood into me when she couldn't get a read on my facial expression. "I wanted to take a walk around the school too. See a few things."

Before she had time to argue or say something, I'd grabbed Adrian's arm and had pulled him towards the main building. He didn't object, letting me tow him along for a few feet, before I dropped it and sped up. He hurried to keep with me, but I wasn't going to give him a reaction. Not on Dimitri. Not on the attack. Not on anything. The past was the past because you couldn't change it. That was my new mantra, and I chanted it over and over in my head.

"Rose, wait up!" Adrian called, and I finally slowed. He'd done nothing wrong, and he was my closest confident after Lissa. Heck, maybe he was my closest confident period. I couldn't remember who I'd told what to, or if I'd even told anyone anything. Silence was another trait I'd learned recently. It was my greatest method of torture towards those closer to me. "Are you alright with Belikov being here?"

"Yes," I smiled widely, and shock flitted across his face as the sincerity hit him. "Why wouldn't I be? He has as every right to being here as I do." I saw from the corner of my eye that we'd managed to end up outside the gym. A memory crossed my mind. I shut it out.

"Well, you haven't spoken about or to him for years. And if you were really okay with it, really finished with him, wouldn't you have at least attempted to reconcile with him." Adrian was trying to be clever, but I was the master at fast talking. I stood perfectly still as I surveyed him, wondering why he was trying so hard with me.

"He was my teacher, Adrian, nothing more and nothing less. Anything that passed between us has finished. Do you keep in contact with all your old teachers?" He opened his mouth, but I was already talking again, knowing what his witty response would be. "I've had no need to contact him, so that can hardly be a good indication of my feelings towards him." Liar. It was a clear indication. "And I don't gossip."

"Right," Adrian replied, cynicism written all over his face. "Okay, whatever. But love just doesn't disappear. It leaves a mark, any mark, whether it's deep or brief. He made you into the person you are today, and you can't make me believe that you're alright with him being here, that his presence doesn't make you feel anything. Love can be a slow burner, getting hotter the longer it's left. Okay?"

Damn, he had me. I couldn't act like Dimitri hadn't affected me, because he would have had to have had some affect. But I could bloody well pretend I didn't care anymore. I smiled politely at Adrian. "I didn't know you were such a poet, Adrian."

He smiled too, a wide predatory smile, one that I'd seen him use to make women fall into bed with him. "I have a great many talents, Miss Hathaway, that I could show you, if only you let me. They start at poetry, and they end at - "

"I don't want you to spoil the surprise, Mr Ivashkov." I felt a genuine laugh coming, and smiled happily. Adrian was surprisingly good at cheering me up, and at giving advice. "Come on. I'll walk you to the ceremony so that none of the scary Strigoi eat you."

"I'm more worried about you eating me."

"Ha ha." A warmth had spread across Adrian's face, making the concern disappear. Once upon a time I would have felt guilty at making my friends worry about me, but now I was more concerned about keeping my secrets and my scars hidden from them. It was better that I kept them out, then have me hurt them any other way. Or at least that's how I felt. My rebellious nature had gotten them all into trouble too many times, and I'd learnt enough to make sure it never happened again.

We walked in companionable silence, not the awkward silence of strangers, or the professional silence of a watchful guardian. We were both deep in our thoughts, and I guessed that Adrian was probably remembering about the attack too. So many people had died or been turned, and I'd held responsibility for some of the damage for a long time. It wasn't healthy, but I used it as a driving force forward. It was something to defend, something to avenge.

As we turned the last corner, I spotted Lissa and Christian talking to Dimitri and Tasha. I hesitated only briefly, before moving toward them with Adrian by my side. My heart was hammering and I felt anxious at the thought of seeing him after three long years. But I wouldn't show it. Not when I knew how he felt. It was easy, too easy, to push those thoughts aside. Maybe it was in the way Dimitri looked up as I approached, maybe it was the hopeful gaze he wore, maybe it was the way he watched only me, but something made it easy to turn the longing into loathing.

"Lady Ozera. Guardian Belikov." My greetings were the opposite of Adrian's jovial ones, and brought attention down on myself. And even though I was stood as still as I could manage, I felt like the world was shifting under my feet. I could face down armies of Strigoi, but when it came to one Dhampir, my barriers broke down into tiny pieces. "I hope you've been well," I added.

"Rose!" Tasha exclaimed, pulling me out of a hug. I put my arms around her awkwardly, wondering why she seemed so overjoyed at my presence. "I've heard so much about you. It had me worried, especially when you didn't come visit with Lissa and Christian, but I guess that's because you have your own charge to look after now." Her eyes fell on Adrian, disproval clear. He still hadn't shaken his reputation completely, and it was probably due to the fact he hadn't changed completely, still drinking, still womanising. "I was so proud when I heard you graduated!"

"Thank you." Lissa was still staring at me, and I wondered if she was watching my aura. It was probably jet black. "I've heard that your campaign is going well too. You're really having a positive effect among the none-Royal Moroi. Maybe you'll convince Tatiana to come around too."

"How sweet of you," Tasha said, though her eyes said otherwise. Everyone was staring at me, and I couldn't figure out why. "But I still have a long way to go. Of course, Dimka's been a great help, training me to fight physically. Only defensive moves. He says offensive moves are for - "

But I never heard what offensive moves were for. All I heard was that stupid pet name for Dimitri, and my mind closed down on her words. Instead, I looked at Dimitri properly, the first time since I'd come over. My heart panged when I saw he looked unchanged, except for dark circles that shadowed his eyes. His hair was tied back in a ponytail, and he wore a dark mourning suit. But it was his eyes that held me, those deep brown eyes. I found myself falling into them, anguish choking me.

" - but the offensive magic is coming along better than either of the defensive or offensive moves he's been laying down." Tasha had been talking to no one. A strange silence had fallen on us all, as I watched Dimitri, he watched me, and everyone else watched both of us. "Of course," Tasha suddenly said, noticing what we were all doing. "You haven't seen Dimitri in years. You probably want to catch up and trade moves."

"Certainly," I said breezily. "I'd loved to trade moves with Dimitri." _In a sparring match_, I added silently, _preferably with Dimitri on the floor, taking all the hits_. "But it can probably wait to the ceremony is finished. I think Kirova is about to start her speech, and it would be rude of us to interrupt her by arriving late."

I spun on my heel, leading the way towards the seats, while trying to catch my breath. And it wasn't from seeing Dimitri again; it was from losing him all over again. Seeing him now would make it so hard to leave him without repairing some of the damage I'd created in my head. The longer I stayed and looked at him, the higher the chance of something explosive happening between us, good or bad. And my money was on bad.

"Good morning." Kirova had taken her place as we'd all sat down into our own seats. "And welcome back to St. Vladimir's. We are all here to commemorate a tragic day of loss and grieving, and it is good to see so many people taking an interest in the events that happened three years ago. Many were - "

It was all the same, always the same. Kirova introduced, Priscilla talked about waste, Tatiana spoke of loss, and then a Moroi priest listed all the names of the deceased. I couldn't help but flinch every time someone's name came up that I knew; _Stan Alto_, _Jesse Zeklos_, _Abby Badica_ ... The list went on. Finally it was time for a pyre to be set alight, and all the guests rose from their seats at the same time. I rose too, hoping to disappear into the rush and deal with Dimitri another day.

I weaved in and out of different guests, my anger ebbing a little. The conflict was making me want to hit something, anything, just to let out the agitation in some form. It was hard to describe what I was feeling, because it was a little of everything. Hurt, love, anger, sadness, longing, hope. They all clashed and mixed. I walked a little faster, somehow desperate to run from my skin. When I broke free of the crowd, a hand reached out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me to the side.

I didn't need to look to know who had grabbed me; a bolt of electricity seemed to race through me, warming me and burning me at the same time. I snatched my arm back, and Dimitri faltered. His brown eyes looked down at me, a swirl of sadness mixing with a glimmer of need. We stood still for a long time, the noise of Moroi and Dhampirs chatting fading to a background dim. We were waiting for the other to concede and say something. I wasn't going to be that person.

"Roza," he finally breathed, and something inside of me snapped. "It's been too long. I've been waiting to see you again, ever since you graduated. And here we are."

"Yes. Here we are." I surveyed him coldly. How dare he call me Roza? Like it was something he could turn on and off at will. Adrian was right on one respect; love _was_ a slow burner, but it could go out at any time. It couldn't, however, come and go as it pleased. "At a remembrance ceremony no less. Commemorating fallen friends."

"Rose?" Dimitri looked at me in confusion. "Is there something wrong?" he asked. I took his confusion to mean that he couldn't read me like he used to. "You seem so angry, so cold, so - " He paused, searching for a word to describe the way I glared at him. "So hurt," he settled on, and the soft tone to his voice made me want to collapse and cry. But I held on.

"I wonder why?" I said dryly. "It's not like my life has collapsed around my ears the past few years. Oh, wait, it did. Shame you weren't there to watch it. You could have had popcorn. A brilliant first date for you and Tasha. If you'd asked, I could have pulled a few strings to get you front row seats." The first blaze of emotion I'd shown him shone in his eyes. A reaction. I'd given him a reaction, and I'd sworn I wouldn't.

"You're different," he murmured, taking me by surprise. I had thought he would have taken the Tasha bait, but he'd ignored it. "You're not the same. Where's the Rose I left behind? The girl with so much optimism and hope. The girl who believed that she could make a difference, no matter what odds are against her. Where's that Roza?"

"If you have to ask, then we're done talking. I'm not a child, Belikov, and I don't need you tiptoeing around me like I might break." I turned to walk away, and he grabbed my wrist for a second time, pinning me to the nearest wall. I snarled, raising my knee to his groin. When one of his hands let go of my wrist to stop the motion, I made my move, grabbing his hair and yanking his head back. The force made his grip on me loosen, and I broke free. I let go of his head, and the minute he made after me, I sent my hand hurtling towards his face. The blow knocked him to the ground. "I'm not a child," I repeated.

As I walked away, I thought I heard Dimitri murmur my name, but I ignored it. I ignored everything that was around me, even the hammering of my heart in my chest. I was confused. So confused, and I didn't know what to do. A need filled me, and instead of returning to the ceremony or my room, I ran towards the gym. I needed to punch something, anything, but most of all, I needed to get away from the one man who could bring me to my knees.


	8. Sunrise

**VIII**: Sunrise

"I've got to hold on; As these days go by; I keep on falling; You walk away," **Sunrise**, Black Stone Cherry

* * *

The door opening almost went unnoticed by me as I swung my arm around in another arc, except my training would have been for nothing if someone had gotten the jump on me. As it were, I ignored the entrance of my guest, knowing exactly who it was. I pounded the bag a couple more times, before I stopped, my chest rising and falling in heavy bursts. I turned around slowly, and Lissa smiled at me as I shoved my sweaty hair out of my face; it had completely fallen out of the pins I'd carefully placed in earlier.

"I've brought you a present, Guardian Hathaway." She pulled a velvet box from a bag that hung over her shoulder. I knew what it was, feeling her pride swell between us. She handed the box to me, and I opened it to find a silver necklace inside. One touch told me it was brimming with Spirit magic. "I'm sorry I was so late getting another piece of charmed jewellery to you. I should have gotten it ready in time for today. I knew it would be hard for both of us, and the effects of using Spirit just makes it that much worse." She wore a heavy expression as she watched me clasp it around my neck. I knew it was because she felt guilty about me siphoning the negative effects of Spirit away from her, something we'd only found out about a few years back.

"Thanks." The silver was cool on my hot skin, and as soon as it was on, I felt my mood improve. It was like a much needed hit of caffeine after sleepless nights, without the massive comedown. "I don't mind doing it. You know that. It's a good partnership; you heal, I take darkness, you heal me, and we're all peachy. I think it would be worse if you couldn't reach Spirit at all. The darkness is a small cost." I hooked a finger around the silver chain, briefly touching the green gem that swung from the bottom of it. It was the same colour as Lissa's eyes.

"Sometimes I think about giving it up, just so neither of us has to worry about going insane. It's such a heavy thought, pressing down on me from time to time. But then I remember what Oksana said, about it only really being a consequence of excessive use and a lack of understanding, and the pressure goes away." Lissa stared intently at the wall, her eyes faraway and distant. Her worries were clear to me internally and externally, although I tried to get rid of them for her. "I'm glad that I have a bondmate, Rose. And I'm glad I had you, even if we weren't connected. You keep me grounded."

"I think you keep me grounded more than I keep you grounded. You're already pretty level headed," I said, grabbing my jacket from the gym floor. I didn't bother putting it back on, knowing that today's pretences were finished for another year. "And with those tricks Oksana showed us, none of us are going mad. Except maybe me, but that wouldn't be your fault. I'm already crazy." I pulled a face as we headed out of the gym, and Lissa giggled.

"I know." The moon was giving way to the sun, which surprised me. I hadn't realised I had spent so much time burning up my pent up rage. As we walked past the school buildings, I noticed a large group of guardians in the distance, heading towards one of the guest houses. Lissa noticed my look, and answered my unspoken question. "They're all for the Queen; she's still here."

"Really?" I had expected Tatiana to hot tail it all the way back to the Court, where the protective wards hadn't fallen in recent years. It wasn't as if St. Vladimir's had anything to offer to Her Majesty. And yet, here she was. "Couldn't she get a direct flight out straight away?"

"She wanted to stay here longer. She said that she had an announcement to make, and since it concerned the school, she wanted to make it here. She'll be returning to Court tomorrow night. I was going to sit at the meeting too. It's not often that the Royal Council throws their meetings open to everyone. Actually," she added, hesitating. Her hesitation hit me more heavily then she could of guessed, and I waited for her to say it out loud. knowing it was something important. "She asked me to pass a message along to you. She's requested your presence at one of the meetings."

"Me?" I cast my mind back over the recent events, wondering if I'd done anything that required the Queen to talk to me. Nothing came to mind, so I looked to Lissa for an answer. She shrugged. "Why would Tatiana want to speak to me? She hasn't spoken to me since she screamed at me after my graduation." I looked at Lissa reproachfully, who had the decency to flush in embarrassment.

"I've said sorry about hundred times. I didn't think my leaving the school unguarded would cause such huge problems. Or that you would be blamed." We had reached our rooms, and stood out in the hallway. Other guests hurried by, their expressions worn and tired. "Anyway, she asked for you to meet her in the cafeteria before the big announcement. They're using it as a platform. Of sorts," she added hastily, seeing my startled expression.

"Right," I said, not really convinced I wasn't in trouble. Queen Tatiana had never really shown me any reason to think that she liked me, even after all the hard work I put in protecting her favourite nephew. I think it was because first impressions were lasting. That, or she loved to hold a grudge. "I still don't think me and the Queen in the same room is a good thing, whether it's harmless questions or not. Especially not in public either."

"Sleep on it," Lissa replied with a warm smile. "You'll feel better about it in the morning." I doubted that, but sleep sounded like a brilliant idea after all that pounding I'd done earlier. My whole body ached, and I knew that as soon as I snuggled down into my bed, I'd be asleep. Having a regular routine was a luxury I jumped on whenever I could. Being out a field guardian meant being alert 24/7. Even when asleep. Try that one on for size. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'll even walk you to the meeting, to support you."

I smiled back, thankful that Lissa would be there with me, even if she wouldn't be standing before a semblance of the Royal Council. She ducked into her room, and I made to follow suit into mine. But before I could unlock my bedroom door, a hand reached out to pull me away from it. I turned with the movement, and came face to face with Dimitri. We stood in silence, mine from surprise, his from some form of hesitation, before it got too much for both of us. I wavered, wondering who would fall first.

"I'm sorry," he said, making me the winner of wills this time. My jubilation didn't last long as I watched him. There was a weary weight in his eyes that I hadn't noticed before, and it made my chest constrict with guilt and pain. "For our reunion earlier. It didn't go as I planned. I got so caught up with seeing you. I didn't think - "

"I thought that was my jurisdiction," I said evenly, trying not to get lost in his eyes, or his voice, or in the sincerity of his words. "Well," I added after a lengthy silence. "You've said sorry. You don't have to hang around me anymore and pretend. We're both adults, so there's no need for you to run off either. We can protect our charges without ever having to see each other. It's what you wanted, remember?"

Dimitri stood and stared at me, and I figured that I'd finally gotten through to him. "What I wanted?" he said slowly, and if I didn't know him better, I would have thought that he was surprised or confused. "Oh Rose," he breathed, and I was suddenly thrown back to that fateful day. He'd slapped me, I'd said cruel words, he'd left. In all the confusion, I didn't even really know what had happened. One thing was clear though; he'd left me.

"Rose what? It's good to see you? It's good to see you graduated? It's good to see you got the jump on me?" _It's good to see you, only you_ ... Wistful thoughts filled me up. "Look Dimitri, I'm sorry for attacking you. It's hard to explain the ins and outs, but I wasn't myself." I sighed, resignation climbing out of my chest in slow words. "I have to get to sleep. I have a meeting in the morning with the Queen."

Pain flickered across Dimitri's face as he took in my composure, and I wondered if I'd been too quick in assuming he couldn't read me anymore. Or maybe the wistful look had appeared in my face, even though I'd tried to hide it. He opened his mouth to say something more, his eyes softening as they took me in, before they suddenly hardened. It was like watching a physical wall come between us, and I flinched, stepping backwards as if he'd hit me.

"What's this?" he asked, and I was reminded of the way I had spoken to him when he'd told me he was leaving. Smooth and brisk, no emotion, no connection. "Who is that necklace from?"

As soon as the question was asked, anger flooded me. So that was what his change in mood was about. The necklace. He thought that someone, a man, had given it to me. I hated assumptions at the best of times, but when they came from Dimitri there was a whole more hurt and anger. He should know me better than that. I _thought_ he knew me better than that. Maybe I'd wanted him to know me better than that. Either way, I wasn't going to stand here and be interrogated by someone who didn't give a damn about me anymore.

"I don't think that's any of your business, Belikov," I said, mustering as much ice into my voice as possible. Anger would show hurt, which meant I cared. Ice was better at cutting him and showing him that I _didn't_ care, even if I did. "You gave up the right to know who I spend my time with three years ago. I thought you would have learnt that by now."

"Rose," he said, a warning tone to his voice. I didn't quite understand why he was warning me, or what he was planning to say next, and I probably won't ever find out, because Adrian chose that moment to step from the shadows of the hallway, green eyes cast upon Dimitri in a cool gaze.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asked, though his expression said he knew he was. I didn't care. I was done with Dimitri, but before I could return to unlocking my bedroom door, a low growl ripped through the silence between us. I sensed the sudden hike in tension, and turned instinctively, getting ready to diffuse the situation, or break up a fight. "Impressive," Adrian said. "Can I ask why you growled at me?"

I looked between the two men, trying to figure out why Dimitri was staring down Adrian with enough force to make weaker men cry. It wasn't until his eyes flickered back to where my necklace sat on my neck that I realised what he had assumed. Again with the assumptions. The Dimitri I knew never made assumptions; he always listened to the situation at hand and made cool, collected decisions.

"It's not what you think," I said, stepping between him and Adrian, hand clasped over the gemstone. The one that matched Adrian's eye colour. "He's my charge and friend. And you have no right to drag him into whatever dispute their is between us. He's a Royal Moroi, Belikov, and you can't go knocking him around because you don't like him."

"Belikov?" questioned Adrian, cocking an eyebrow in my direction. I sent him a warning look, and he raised his hands casually. "Okay, I'll go to your room." His eyes glinted with unrestrained pleasure as he looked over my head, to where Dimitri stood. "I'll see you in a minute, when you're done talking to Dimitri," he winked, before turning to my door. My key still sat in the lock, and he made short work of it.

"Adrian Ivashkov. I thought I warned you about him at the ski resort." Dimitri was visibly trying to calm himself down, fists clenched, chest rising and falling in short bursts. "He's trouble, Rose, and you shouldn't go dating someone like _him_," he spat the last word, glaring at the door. "Even if he has friends in high places. You don't mess with people like him."

"Who said anything about messing with him? You're the one jumping down the throats of every person who passes you. What's happened to you? You never used to be so temperamental and hothead. That was _me_. Adrian is my charge, of course he'd come to my room from time to time. He's my friend too. I've seen a lot of him in the past three years. He's been learning about Spirit with Lissa. I'd appreciate it if you didn't kill him."

We stood staring at each other, the tension disappearing as quickly as it had sprung up. I watched as Dimitri visibly deflated like a balloon. He even had the courtesy to flush with embarrassment. I shook my head, suddenly weary and tired all over again. Worry sprung up too, with the promise of a meeting with the Queen pressing down on me. I didn't need this, and I was thankful that Lissa had given me another piece of charmed jewellery. It was working over time right now, pulsing like a heartbeat as it sent out calming waves through me.

"I'm sorry. I'll let you get to your charge now," Dimitri said stiffly, and his expressionless face annoyed me more then it should have. He gave me one last sweeping look, before he turned and strode down the hallway, disappearing around the next nearest corner. I stared at the spot he had disappeared from a while longer, confused.

"Are you coming in honey?" came Adrian's voice, layered with sickening sarcasm. I turned and glared at him, and he backed away from the door. "Hey, I'm not the one who got Belikov all heated up over nothing. He did that all by himself. I just pushed a few on his buttons. He really needs to learn to control his temper."

I let the irony of his statement roll over me as I pushed past him into my room. I really wanted a shower, food and bed in that order, and Adrian was standing in my way of two out of three of them. I grabbed an apple from the complimentary basket on my dressing table, and continued glaring at him. I'd learnt along time ago that silence makes men twitch, and can torture them worse than any insults or blows. And right now, I was happy to keep up glaring at him for a _long_ time.

"Alright, alright!" he said quickly, dropping onto my bed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made the situation worse. Just stop glaring at me like that."

"You know that you should have turned away the minute you saw him," I said tiredly, dropping beside him. "He thinks we're dating, and you just gave him more fuel. He could have seriously hurt you, and I wouldn't have been able to stop him." Adrian looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I would, but I would have let him after all the trouble you caused."

"Why did he think we were dating?" Adrian asked. "I mean, I know it's not a bad thing, but it's kinda weird if it came out of nowhere. Did he just look for you and jump down your throat? Because he looked angry when I got there, without my help."

"He made some crazy assumption about me, kicked off about it, saw you and put two, unrelated pieces of information together. You pushed him further, and strengthened his resolve to put those two things together, and hey presto, we had testosterone wars. You are a pain in my ass, Mr Ivashkov," I sighed, biting into the apple ferociously.

"And a fine ass it is too!" he declared. "But, I still don't see how he thought that I was the one you're dating, even though it's common news that Rose Hathaway does not date. Period. Except for when Lissa sets her up with desirable bachelors, which always seem to not be me. Why is that, by the way? Do you ask her to avoid me?"

"No, she picks them, and I humour her. As for why Dimitri thought you were dating me, well, see for yourself." I tugged my necklace out from under my shirt, and Adrian glanced at it, eyes widening in understanding. "It's the same shade as green as Lissa's eyes, and it's a good representation of yours too. He saw the necklace and thought it was a gift from someone else, though why that should bother him is beyond me. _He_ left _me_, not the other way around."

"It's from Lissa," Adrian stated. "I can sense the Spirit magic in it. And you're right, it is a good representation of me. I'm glad you think that." I narrowed my eyes at him, and he smirked back. "As for Belikov, well, I think the only way you can find out why he was so bothered by it, is by asking him yourself."

"You are crazy," I said with a roll of my eyes. "Like I'm going to stroll up to him and ask him that. As if I'm going to stroll up to him ever. He's here, I'm here, but we don't need to be together. He made his choice, and I'm going to let him stand by it."

"Seems to me like he _wasn't _standing by it." Adrian rose from my bed, stretching his lithe body out. "And he may have walked away from you, but _you_ never walked away from _him_." His eyes sparked with a knowing light, and I resisted the urge to throw the apple at him. "I know you're going to want to see him, no matter how hard you try to look like you don't. And no matter how many times you call him Belikov." He stopped when he reached the door, glancing back at me. I could have sworn there was concern in his eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had arrived. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be cheering on your questioning from the sidelines."

"You better be there. I'll need you to plead for my forgiveness if this thing goes belly-up. You might be your aunt's favourite, but I'm certainly not, no matter how many times you tell her I'm a badass. And until I know what she wants from me, I'm going to be feeling less than accommodating towards her." Adrian measured the look I gave him, and nodded.

"You don't need to be worried Rose. I think she's actually happy you're here to talk to," he finished, before shutting my door tightly, leaving me to enjoy a hot shower in peace.


	9. Sleeping With Ghosts

**IX**: Sleeping With Ghosts

"This one world vision; Turns us in to compromise; What good's religion; When it's each other we despise," **Sleeping With Ghosts**, Placebo

* * *

I smoothed my hair down one last time, checking that every strand of hair was secured in a tidy bun. It was an old habit of mine, one that increased whenever I was faced with a situation like this, i.e. a meeting with a haughty Royal. My suit was creaseless too, and I guess you could say my whole appearance was seamless. I had mastered the art of blank expressions, and from the outside you'd think I was handling this fine. Inside was a different matter. An onslaught of my own emotions cascaded down on me, the worst I'd had in years. Lissa's charms were abating the worst of the fears, but even her magic couldn't stop my crazy thoughts completely.

The first problem I was killing myself slowly with was a simple one; _why did the Queen want to see me, and on such short notice?_ Maybe she'd finally cracked and decided to assign a different guardian to Adrian. That would be the easiest option, if not the most humiliating one. If she did do that, I already had a plan of action in place. I would go into freelance guarding, or just return to Russia and protect the Dhampir communities. I'd spent a little time in Siberia with Lissa a few years previously, and all my pre-conceited ideas about Dhampir settlements had been abolished. Half of me had wanted to stay, mostly because I hadn't wanted to face the consequences of leaving the Academy so quickly, but a little because everyone was _happy_.

"Guardian Hathaway," called a clipped voice, pulling me out of my thoughts. I turned to spot a receptionist standing in the doorway I'd come through half an hour before. "The Queen is ready to present you to the Royal Court. If you'd like to follow me, we can begin and then you can resume your duties."

My heart leapt into my mouth as I followed the receptionist through the doorway. It had been years since I'd felt so out of control and nervous, but then Tatiana had a way of making me feel like I was seventeen again. I walked behind the female Moroi slowly, circling thoughts consuming me. The receptionist came to a sudden halt, and I stopped beside her, wondering why we were waiting.

She smiled sympathetically, and I felt another nervous rush for my fate. "You have to go in alone. The Council is in session," she explained, holding the cafeteria door open for me.

I walked through, the door clicking shut behind me, effectively locking me in with a group of old Royal Moroi and their guardians. Four of said guardians followed me as I walked to the long table that sat in the middle of the room. I stopped just short of it, and gave a quick, sneaky sweep around the room. Other Moroi and Dhampirs sat settled in the cafeteria, mostly seated on bleachers that had been put up in a hurry. There were a lot of people here, more than I had expected, and I swallowed nervously. As my eyes trailed along the rows of people, I spotted Lissa, Adrian and Christian sat together, with Dimitri and Tasha just behind them. Tasha was talking animatedly to another male, a Moroi, and Dimitri sat moodily beside her.

Thoughts of Dimitri swept over me as I returned my gaze to the Royals seated at the table. Thoughts of him seeking me out, thoughts of him angry and jealous, thoughts of him and me alone. The way he sat with Tasha and her friend struck a strange chord in me, and it took me a moment to figure out why; I had never seen him looking so bleak and lost. Something was up, but I didn't want to look deeper into things that probably weren't there. I didn't want to give myself hope, and I didn't want to get hurt again. I had felt a heat I'd long since given up on when Dimitri had stood fiercely in front of me, and I knew it would only take a small matter for me to get caught up in it again.

Lissa's gift burned brightly against my chest, a warmth that sent out a dose of calmness and happiness in large supply. It was working overtime to counter the excessive emotions plaguing me, and I once again thanked Oksana for teaching Lissa how to deal with the darkness that would drive us both to the edge. Even though it had come with a heavy cost, it had at least save Lissa from her depression.

I shook myself from my memories as a white haired Moroi stood before the crowds on a platform. "This session of the Royal Moroi Council is now in order," he stated in a grave voice as hush fell upon the room. "Her Royal Majesty, Queen Tatiana Marina Ivashkov, is presiding. Eleven of the twelve heads of the Royal families are here to advise and listen to the testimony of Rosemarie Hathaway."

_Testimony?_ I looked around the room and saw confusion on Lissa, Adrian and Christian's faces, but on no one else's. The Council must have been continuing on from a different matter, one that somehow involved me. But how and why? I returned my gaze to Tatiana as she rose to her feet, composing myself so that I had a cool facade in place. I was _not_ letting her know how freaked out I was, not after all she'd put me through to prove myself to her.

"Good morning, and thank you for attending on such short notice, and so soon after a tragic date. We are here to continue the discussions of the Royal Council with a key speaker, Guardian Hathaway. If you could step forward, Guardian Hathaway, we can begin with the questioning." Tatiana sat down, spreading her elegant dress across the chair as she did so, all regal air and pose.

I stepped forward when she asked, noticing that all the heads of the Royal families had thick wads of paper in front of them, mostly handwritten notes. Whatever they were discussing had been ongoing and clearly a serious matter, especially for it to have been picked up again so quickly after the grievance ceremonies. I eyed the papers warily, wondering what it was they had in front of them, and what it had to do with me.

"State your name please," she said, even though she had already referred to me. Twice. But hey, whatever. This was their gig and I was going to have to play their game.

"Rosemarie Hathaway," I answered in a matter-of-fact voice, like we were all friends together and I wasn't here under secret circumstances. I was half-tempted to throw in an extra, "Guardian Rosemarie Hathaway," Bond-style, but I held myself back.

"And how old are you, Guardian Hathaway?" she continued, her face as blank as I hoped mine was.

"Twenty, but I'll be twenty-one in a few weeks." These questions were getting stranger and stranger. I saw the Moroi shuffle agitatedly, as if I had just declared I wasn't really a Dhampir, but a secret princess Moroi.

"How old were you when you killed your first Strigoi?" the Queen questioned, her eyes on the paper in front of her as she scribbled down numerous notes. This question took me by surprise, and almost wiped my cool expression from my face.

"I was seventeen, Your Majesty."

"And I believe you didn't kill just _one_ Strigoi, but _two_." The Queen was still refusing to look at me, and I was refusing to look elsewhere. The beginnings of murmurs were starting in the bleachers, and a sick feeling had started to unfurl from inside my stomach. "And not only that, you managed to escape from capture, allowing you and your friends to escape from the hands of humans and the Strigoi. Is this correct?"

"Yes," I muttered, trying hard to quench the rising memories of Mason dying, of being trapped and utterly defenseless, of seeing the mess I'd created in front of me, blood on my hands, on my shirt, on the floor. Mia, her face shocked as she watched me hack away at the dead Strigoi. All of it flashed by, and it was hard to get it down again. Lissa's magic helped and I breathed in deeply.

"By decapitation?" I nodded. "Not the easiest method, or so I'm told. I also have reports that you were a key part of the defense when the wards at St. Vladimir's went down. How would you describe your role in protecting staff and students alike?"

"I raised the alarm when I noticed that something was wrong with the wards." I didn't mention my natural Strigoi alarm that had gone off. People thought that the bond between me and Lissa was strange enough, without adding my creepy powers into the mix. "When I knew the school was outnumbered, I decided that I needed to help fight. I paired up with older guardians - " Again, no need for the _whole_ truth. " - And then I found Princess Vasilisa when she went missing later on. I don't remember anything after that." Another painful memory ripped a hole in me, one of ghosts reaching out for me, trapping the Strigoi, breaking my fragile grip on sanity.

"Don't downplay your role, Guardian Hathaway. The reports say that you defended and protected many older guardians, and that you performed most of the Strigoi kills yourself, using all three methods." There was a grand note to Tatiana's voice, and she spoke to the room more than to me. I didn't understand her game yet, but I was trying my hardest to figure it out. "You even orchestrated a rescue of the captured victims, managing to save a few before sundown. Quite impressive for someone so young."

_Someone so young_ rang loudly in my head. Why should my age matter? They seemed to focus on everything I'd done three years ago, everything I'd done when I was _seventeen_. Something clicked inside my head, something that Adrian had mentioned to me and I shrugged off as ludicrous. A lowering of the age Dhampirs graduated. Crap, Tatiana was planning on lowering the age.

"I did," I said loudly, hoping to capture the attention of all the people in the room. "But it was rash and unjustified. I went against my superiors orders and could have been more of a liability. It was only my extra training and dumb luck that helped me through _all_ of those situations and - "

"Don't downplay yourself Rose. You did an excellent job. Your scores from graduation were the highest St. Vladimir's has ever seen, and will probably see, and you managed many real life situations that older guardians would struggle with. You're an inspiration to many young Dhampirs." Tatiana returned to her notes, and I stared blankly, wondering what I could do to change the way things were heading. "Not only did you protect the school, but you protected the last remaining Dragomir when you realised she had gone missing."

That memory was mostly made of chagrin and humiliation. Lissa had found a Spirit user in Russia, one still alive and one who had a shadow-kissed bond mate. She'd wanted to go after graduation so badly, but I'd put my foot down and said it was a stupid, reckless thing to do. We'd fallen out over it, and it wasn't long after graduation that I realised my words hadn't sunk in; she'd left without me, choosing to take Adrian and Christian. A damn foolish move that I had taken the blame for, even though it wasn't me who'd encouraged her to go. I'd accepted my punishment, glad to have caught her in time to go and protect her out in Russia.

"You're methods were well-meaning and born out of a genuine and deep desire to protect the Moroi at _all costs_. Even ones to your own reputation. Our reports from the Alchemists tell us that you killed many more Strigoi while out there, saving Princess Vasilisa and my nephew from being turned." A nice change of opinion. When I'd originally gotten back, Tatiana had been close to having my promise mark stripped away and a desk job given to me instead. Lissa's quick use of compulsion pleading, along with Adrian's hold over her, had saved my ass, the least she could do after the Hell we'd been through.

"I knew I was the only person who could find her," I said stiffly, emphasising my bond and unusual circumstances. "To catch her and secure her safety, I had to leave the academy immediately. I would have reported the matter to an older guardian if I wasn't so concerned for Princess Vasilisa. A good student would have reported it. I should have reported it and left the matter to older guardians."

"You were better than a good student, Guardian Hathaway, you were a good _guardian_," Tatiana replied, cutting down my self-criticism. "You went above and beyond. You always go above and beyond, proof that even the most reluctant student can turn it around and became a _legendary_ guardian. Proof that extra work and training can make anyone into a first-class protector. And that," Tatiana stated grandly. "Concludes our first session. We shall return after lunch to make our decision public. Thank you for you cooperation, Guardian Hathaway."

I was being dismissed, and in a voice that clearly said, _So glad you didn't make a scene_. It was like she still expected me to start screaming profanities, like she didn't think I could be professional about my duties, even after all that talk about me being _above and beyond_ what a guardian should be. Her double standards were just part and parcel of being a Royal Moroi, and I was glad that Lissa couldn't be a part of all that, even if it had made her upset.

There was a rush, and the noise returned as all the watchers rose to their feet at the same time. I headed out the way I arrived, then doubled back to meet with Lissa, Christian and Adrian. Unfortunately, Dimitri and Tasha were there too, along with Tasha's mystery guest. I maintained my neutral expression, blending in with the background as much as possible. It wasn't until I leaned in to whisper in Lissa's ear that she noticed me.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she muttered darkly under her breath. She had jumped when I'd said hi, and I couldn't help the grin on my face. "I hate it when you sneak up on me, guardian style. Why can't you just approach like a normal person?"

My eyes fell on Dimitri who was talking to Christian, his tone clipped and polite as they discussed politics. Neither of them had seen me arrive, and that was the way I wanted things to remain. Lissa didn't know this, so I gave her a nonchalant shrug.

"When you're gifted, don't let the gift go to waste," I replied, falling into step beside her. "So, what did you think of Queen Tatty and her tirade? I think I know what she's getting out, and I'll be damned if anyone thinks I'm letting her get away with it. As soon as we're back in there, I'm giving her a piece of my mind."

"What?" said Lissa, startled. I briefly gave her a rundown of what I thought was going on. I could feel her confusion and her denial through the bond. "The Council wouldn't do that," she said, shaking her head. "Even they have their limits. They know to leave the Dhampir settlements alone, and to let the Dhampirs graduate at a normal pace. They wouldn't lower the age to seventeen."

"You're too naive," I replied. "Of course the Queen wants more out there, so instead of letting them prepare themselves mentally, she's going to throw them out there to the sharks. And it's all my fault," I added.

"No it isn't. This isn't going to happen. And even if it does, you can't scream at the Queen. She already has enough cause to hate you. Don't add to it. She wants to send you packing to a commune, and if you start the tirade today, you know she won't hesitate this time. Not even Adrian will be ever to save you," Lissa said, her mind faraway as she remembered our time in Siberia. She knew that I'd wanted to stay, though I'd never told her why, not completely.

"Sure, sure. Be responsible, keep my mouth shut. You're no fun," I mock pouted. "Being a badass is such hard work," I added as we finally came to our destination, a lunch hall that had been set up in one of the courtyards. "Well, duty calls. I've gotta go deal with business," I whispered to her as the others stopped walking. "Save me a seat at the next meeting."

"Rose," Lissa began, but before she had time to finish calling my name, I was gone. I rounded the corner and walked straight into Adrian. "Trying to escape, are we?" he asked, a smirk playing with his lips as I made to move around him.

"No, I'm not. I just don't want to play ghost around them. I want to take a break and cool off from that intense interrogation. Your aunt's a mean lady, you know that?"

"I do. That's what makes her so useful. She's a tough cookie. But she's not the reason you're leaving the group. Belikov is. Why does he still scare you so much?" Adrian asked, keeping pace with me as I headed to the back of the tents that housed the food. I wanted to frown at him, to glare or say something snarky, but I wouldn't give him the pleasure.

"I'm not scared of him, but I'm not exactly on talking terms with him. Why put myself through the awkwardness of seeing him with Tasha when I can go and get my lunch elsewhere? I'm just taking precautionary measures," I said smoothly, not adding that seeing Dimitri lose his cool had unnerved me. The foundations of my rocky world were beginning to fall about again, and I didn't feel equipped to deal with them.

"You've spent the last three years working hard to get around him, haven't you? Every single decision you made was with him in mind. Why didn't I see this before?" Adrian muttered, a dark tone to his voice. "You blended in. Fell into the background. Became silent. You never date, not properly, and you're always cutting yourself from the world. You can't handle this reunion, because it's going to undo everything you've worked hard to earn."

"So you can read minds now?" I returned sarcastically. "I did all that because I'm a _guardian_. It's our jobs to be unseen. We're just the protection. The silent watchers. We don't get a say in anything. We don't get our own lives." With a sudden jolt, I realised what I was saying was _true_ and that the age decree the Queen was considering, _if_ she was considering it, was wrong on so many more levels. I quashed the flare of anger that rose in my chest, continuing with my argument. "What are you anyway? My therapist. You keep coming out with all sorts of crap."

"I'm coming out with all sorts of crap because it gets a reaction out of you, and that's something I haven't seen for _three years_. You said you don't want to be a ghost, but you already are, wandering around without a real purpose. And maybe Belikov _isn't_ the problem," his voice told me he didn't believe that for a second, but I let him continue as I grabbed a scone, "but he seems to stir something in you that seems a little like emotions. Maybe you should talk to him and get rid of this wall you've thrown up around yourself."

"Adrian," I began slowly. "I like you. A lot. And it would pain me to hurt you, so please refrain from giving me advice for the next five to ten years. Thank you."

I saw his grin from the corner of my eye as I started to walk slowly back to the make-shift courtroom, and knew that I had given him the biggest Rose Hathaway response he'd seen in years. He was right, in a way. I had thrown up a wall between me and the world, but to say all of that was down to Dimitri was just plain stupid. I'd seen a lot of death, and a lot of people close to me had died or been turned. It was hard to get close to someone knowing that they could die at any time, or that you could die and leave them with a whole load of grief to deal with. In my line of work, you had to remain distant.

As I walked back to the courtroom, I allowed myself to slip briefly into Lissa's head. I grimaced when I saw that she was talking to Dimitri, though it looked like he had cornered her as they made their way back from lunch. I couldn't see her expression, but I could feel her confusion and her nervousness as Dimitri spoke to her. She had always been a little daunted by him, and I wasn't surprised.

"Where's Rose?" he asked, and try as he might, he couldn't hide the need in his eyes. Lissa saw this, but pushed it aside. She was wondering where I was too.

"She left to do _business_. I don't know why. She didn't say." _She never says anymore_, Lissa added mentally, and then cursed herself as she realised that I might be listening to her. Not that she knew anymore, because I _never told her_. There was that bitterness again. It startled her, so she addressed Dimitri again, trying to distance herself from her irrational emotions. "She's really thrown herself into the guardian thing. It's like she feels she has to make up for all her mistakes."

"She never made any mistakes," Dimitri said, almost absentmindedly. "She always did the right thing, even if no one else saw it. She's good at choosing the right path to go down." A flash of remorse settled on his features, and Lissa spotted that too, her confusion going up threefold.

"Why do you want to see her?" she asked, an innocent note to her voice. Dimitri instantly became suspicious, throwing up all the walls he'd perfected so long ago. His face became blank as they walked into the courtroom. I pulled myself out of Lissa's head, and found that I had stopped walking just outside of the building. I rushed inside, not wanting to miss the Queen's big announcement.


	10. Shout

**X**: Shout

"In violent times you shouldn't have to sell your soul; In black and white they really, really ought to know," **Shout**, Tears for Fears

* * *

I walked back into the cafeteria slowly, apprehension dawning on me as I took in the seriousness of this announcement. It had to be big if Tatiana couldn't wait until she got back to the Royal Court before she made it. And as I looked around the crowded room, I could see that everyone had the same thought on their mind. This was big. Big enough to change the Moroi world as we knew it. Some of the expressions on the older Moroi and Dhampir's faces showed that they had some inclination as to what the debate was about. I had no idea and was suddenly regretting cutting myself off from the world of politics. I wanted to be prepared for the assault Tatiana was about to unleash, but all I had was my fears to go on.

I climbed the bleachers, ignoring the quiet whispers that started around me wherever I walked. I could hear my name over and over, eyes unashamedly taking me in as I walked to where Lissa sat. It'd been a long time since I'd had to put up with rumours and gossip, and I gritted my teeth in annoyance as I slid along the row Lissa had chosen. The looks I'd gained ranged from dirty to curious, and I tried to calmly shrug it off. I never thought that there'd be a reason for people to treat me badly again, but apparently Tatiana had found one. Or made one up. It didn't really matter with her.

"Calm down Rose." I turned to my right to see Lissa watching me warily. I kept shifting in my seat agitatedly, and she could see the uncomfortable expression I wore on my face. "The only reason that they are staring at you is because you gave a testimony to the Queen. That's a really big deal to them. There's nothing more to it. And it's not as if you've done anything wrong. It's all just speculation."

Speculation, it seemed, could range from anything between believable and crazy insane. Some people said that I was planning on eloping with Adrian. Some people said that I'd been on a killing spree and that the Queen didn't approve. Some people even said that I was going to be giving honours for all the hard work I'd put in, so early on in my guardian career. I didn't believe any of it. I didn't believe any of what they were saying. I knew Tatiana too well, and was afraid that what she was about to say what have devastating consequences on the wrong people. Another uneasy feeling settled in my stomach, especially as the other members of the Council stepped out to take their seats. Irritation rose past the uneasiness.

I curled my hands into fists, setting them on my knees as my nails bit into the soft flesh of my palms. It was foolish of me to lose my temper, and it was something I hadn't done in years, but the past two days were catching up on me. It was crazy. How much more did I have to go through before normality would resume? I breathed out, wondering how long I had until Lissa's charmed necklace burned out. Would it reign me in until the Queen had finished whatever she had to say? I hoped so. I didn't need anyone speculation being thrown my way.

As I stared down at the platform below, I felt as though someone was watching me, a heavy gaze on my back. I turned to see Dimitri looking at me with something akin to regret and hurt in his eyes. I didn't realise what he was staring at, until it clicked that my hair was tied up and he could see my tattoos. I had killed so many Strigoi in my short career that a special, star-like tattoo had been added to the fray, one that represented an insanely high number of kills. I stared back at Dimitri as he watched me, hoping that he could see the hardened edge in my eyes. He turned away.

"When are you going to talk to him?" Lissa had leaned closer to whisper in my ear after seeing where I was looking. "He was asking after you, you know. Wondering where you were. I don't see why it's so hard for you to talk to him. You speak to Alberta and _she_ was your mentor. What is going on between you and Dimitri?"

"Nothing." Silence fell in the room as Queen Tatiana's arrival was announced. Everyone rose to their feet, and then bowed as protocol dictated we must. I glanced up as she entered the room and quickly sat in her seat, watching her expression carefully. It gave nothing away. I settled back into my seat, nervous as she shuffled papers. Everyone else in the room was eager to hear what our monarch had to say.

"Her Majesty - " I blanked out as the herald and co explained who was seated on the Council. Each member got a little something said about them, and all the other Moroi sat through it patiently. The only Royal family not to have a seat on the Council were the Dragomirs, and that was because Lissa was the only one left. She had to have at least one other family member behind her before she could take her place, something I had taken happily upon hearing. I didn't want her to have any part in the cruel world of the Royal Moroi, although Lissa had been devastated to hear that she couldn't carry on her family's business and reputation in important matters. Not until she had married and settled into a family role.

I imagined Lissa married and with children. A mix of jealousy and sadness stirred with the image. I would never have children, never be able to settle down and marry someone, never have that life. Not without severe consequences. I would be labelled a blood whore, someone with no integrity. There was little truth to that label, and I hated how easily it was thrown around. I'd been to several communes over the years, and each time I'd had to live, sadness had followed me. Things were different for Lissa. She could have her own life, not the weak mirror image of someone else's.

I quashed those feelings when the herald left the room, leaving Tatiana and the eleven heads alone at their table. Tatiana was about to speak, and everyone leaned in closer.

"Over recent years, it has come to the Council's attention that Strigoi numbers have risen to high proportions. Attacks on Moroi and humans alike have increased. These crippling attacks are a serious matter, and the Council has been convening to discuss what to do in order to better protect ourselves. With guardian numbers at an all-time low, the main topic of discussion was ways to increase these numbers. Now we are not talking forcing Dhampirs into service. We are not talking about forcing female Dhampirs into service. We are talking about alternative, safer methods."

Tatiana paused, her eyes seemingly settling on everyone in the room as she surveyed the room. I was pretty sure no one had taken a breath the whole time she had been spoken, captivated by the seriousness of her words. Another warning went off in my head as I noted the topic - guardian numbers. I took in steadying breaths as I recapped all the things she had asked me in my testimony. The conclusions I was drawing were not making me feel better about the situation. Beside me, Lissa stiffened, reaching out for Christian's hand. Anger and disbelief were stirring at the bottom of her heart, and I reached out to take it from her. It had gotten easier over the years, now that I knew what to look for and how to deal with. I shuddered as the metallic coil hit me. I needed calm, and my fingers reached for Lissa's charmed necklace.

"With the wards not as safe as we once thought, we rely on Dhampirs now more than ever. We rely on their vigilance and their training and their dedication to us. We rely on their speed and skill and strength. We rely on their patrols. We rely on them, so we should not take cruel advantage of them. This is why, with much deliberation, we have come to the conclusion that the age of graduation should be lowered to sixteen and the training programme currently in place should be accelerated. It has been shown in outstanding individuals that with extra training and hardwork, Dhampirs are ready that much quicker for the dangers in the world. We will fully support the students through this change, never abandoning them, and thanking them for their dedication to us."

Tatiana's speech ended. She looked grave, but there was something so plastic in the way she bowed her head. And as she finished speaking, a collective breath seemed to release. I held onto mine, steadying the adrenaline that was already powering around my bloodstream. Lissa turned to me in shock, eyes wide as she reached out to cup my cheek. Magic flared between us and I took in a gasping breath. With the magic came clarity, and I realised that the silence had been broken. Half of the room had risen to their feet, yelling angrily at their neighbours or at the Council members below them. The flustered herald shouted for order, and eventually the arguing Moroi and Dhampirs fell quiet again.

All of them, except for one.

"This is a grave mistake, Your Majesty."

One Dhampir strode down towards the Council members, stopping at a respectable distance. None of the guardians jumped him, so he continued speaking. "Lowering the age of graduation for Dhampirs is wrong. They won't be ready for the real world at sixteen. They may have the skills and knowledge, but they won't have the emotional stability or preparation. Not only that, is it fair to cut their innocence short? Dhampirs already give their lives and individuality up to guard Moroi. Why cut into the time that they have to explore themselves and grow?"

The room was still as Tatiana surveyed Dimitri with a calculated look. His expression was calm, but I could tell he was anything but. The Dimitri I knew didn't talk back to anyone, let alone the Queen. The Dimitri I knew held onto his beliefs and kept quiet, following orders when given. The Dimitri I _knew_ would never have stood up for those beliefs. But apparently he was no longer the Dimitri I had once known. Maybe Tasha's rebellious nature had rubbed off on him.

"I am sorry, Mr Belikov, but all individual opinions need to be registered in writing at the end of this meeting. We couldn't possibly deal with everybody's thoughts at the same time. And although I'm sure this has been upsetting for you, the age decree has already been passed so nothing you say now will change the outcome."

It was like watching a car crash; I knew that I shouldn't be watching, but the horror before me kept drawing my eyes to it. It was the same for everyone in this room. Never before had anyone ever spoken back to the Queen, especially not in a public place like this. I pulled my eyes away, staring down at my hands as I listened to the angry exchange. A small childish part of me - the part that still believed in Dimitri even after everything he'd done - wanted him to fix this, really believed that he_ could_ fix this. The rest of me understood that what he had done was rash, hotheaded and wrong. He had crossed the line.

"If you allow the age of graduation to be lowered, you'll be sending teenagers to their deaths. No matter the level of skill, the mind will win, they will freeze up and be easy prey." Dimitri wasn't beating around the bush, going straight to the truth. "Seeing a Strigoi for the first time is a terrifying experience. I've seen adult guardians freeze up. Is it fair to send out sixteen year olds? All that is going to come from this decree is more dead guardians than living ones, and the numbers will plummet."

"This is not the time or place, Mr Belikov. You might not accept the decision, but then when have you ever accepted the decisions of your superiors? You are, after all, the Dhampir who abandoned his assigned charge to go and live out blood whore fantasies with a disgraced Royal. You are the one, after all, who believes he knows better than the protocols and rules put in place to ensure the safety of Moroi. You are the one who believes he can assign himself to anybody. Why would you understand this decree and its consequences? You don't have the control and respect other guardians have."

Tatiana said all this calmly and coldly, her expression never changing from a neutral one as she uttered her barbed words, one by one. My eyes were on Dimitri, on the grim set of his lips as he took each hit. I had never once thought of Dimitri as being disgraced, but now I saw it all too clearly. The guardians around the side of the room were gazing at different points in the room, but their expressions were ones of disgust. They honestly agreed with the cruel things Tatiana was saying about him. I thought back to when Dimitri had been at the Academy, about how he seemed to know everyone and have their respect. Now it seemed like he had lost that. A pang of anguish and sympathy ripped through the Spirit-induced calm.

"Suicide." Dimitri was continuing, ignoring Tatiana's baiting and dressing down. "You're going to drive Dhampirs into extinction. Your hand is going to be in their deaths."

"They will accept the decision." _Because they have to_ hung around the room, unsaid but heard. "You are not one to preach on the practicalities of guardian distribution, your opinion no longer counts. You disobeyed orders, you left your charge alone, you made your bed. I will not discuss the current matter with you a minute longer. This meeting is dismissed."

Arguments broke out again as soon as Tatiana closed the meeting. I watched as Dimitri walked towards the Queen, his face set in determination. Without saying a word to Lissa, I rose to my feet, pushing through the crowds of people that were gathering on the bleacher steps. I jogged over lightly, keeping within earshot but out of sight.

Tatiana didn't look happy to see Dimitri again, but she stopped to turn and face him. Her entourage of guardians gathered around her, making sure that Dimitri couldn't reach through to throttle her if he really lost control. They silently weighed each other up, their body language aggressive and defensive. Dimitri was the one who finally spoke first, his eyes narrowed in anger.

"You had no right to drag my personal life into this discussion. My choices were my own and did not need to considered when looking at the age decree. It was unnecessary," he said coldly.

"You are the one who chose a disgraced Moroi to guard, not me. You're the one who left a comfortable job at the Academy and a prosperous future guarding a rising Royal to play house with a - " She paused, searching for the right word. " - _whore_. You're the one who chose children and cushy over respect and integrity. You made those choices, Dimitri Belikov, and now you have to stand by them. You do not have the right to lecture me on doing _my job_ properly when you refused to do _your job_ properly. You know what the Council thinks of guardians that choose their charges."

"That has nothing to do with the matter at hand," Dimitri replied through gritted teeth. "Why won't you see that your plan is complete madness? No one is ready to kill at sixteen. No one. I wasn't ready when my first kill came, and I'd already graduated and been in the field for a long time. Why are you taking away what little freedom they have?"

For a heartbeat Tatiana seemed to be remorseful, but then the look was gone, replaced by a cold mask. "I had no choice in the matter. The Strigoi are closing in. We need to be protected."

"But you won't be," Dimitri seemed weary and tired now, "You're going to be worse off."

"I have a flight to catch," Tatiana said, closing the matter with a haughty spin. Her guardians cast a warning look in Dimitri's direction as the Queen exited, but he wasn't looking at them. He was staring at the floor silently. I could almost see the cogs whirring in his head, see the blame and guilt in his posture. He looked defeated and it scared me more than I was willing to admit, because admitting it would mean that a part of me still care about him.

"Dimitri," I murmured, stepping forward to stand beside him. His posture changed immediately to defensive and wary when he saw me watching him. "You did a great job out there, making sure that Tatiana heard the cold truth of the matter."

"I didn't help," he replied grimly. His eyes were hard as they took me in, but for once it wasn't _because_ of me. It was because of what he had just been through. "I just made matters worse, especially for Tasha. She's been trying so hard to getthe Council to listen to her about training Moroi at the Academies with Dhampirs. I probably just undid all her hard work by reminding everyone what the Queen really thinks of her."

"Her contribution can't disappear that quickly," I retorted. "As much as I hate to admit it, she's made a pretty big impact on the world. She's making changes. You can't undo that, even if you really tried, because most of the Moroi she's convinced already really believed in her cause. And - " I paused, realising I had nothing more to say about Tasha. Dimitri watched me expectantly. "I'm sorry."

He looked at me, taken aback. "Why?"

"Because you getting what you wanted cost you so much. It must be painful to know that everyone is looking down on your relationship with Tasha and that it's stopping you from doing your job effectively. They shouldn't be so judgemental. Tatiana went on about relying on Dhampirs, but it's more like Royals use them. They don't respect us. It's a lose-lose situation," I said softly.

Dimitri shook his head, wearing an old expression I hadn't seen in a long time: exasperation. At me. "Rose, that isn't the situation at all. Not that it matters, because as Tatiana kindly pointed out, I am a very disgraced guardian. I'm amazed that they haven't already taken my promise mark away and sent me to a commune or buried me under a desk job. It's probably a sign that they really can't be bothered to deal with me."

I watched Dimitri in confusion, not understanding what he was telling me. I ran a hand through my hair, remembering that it was still tied up when I reached my clip. I undid it, letting my hair fall around my shoulders. Dimitri watched me carefully, and I squirmed under the intensity of his gaze. "What?" I finally said rudely.

"Your hair is shorter than I remember."

Pain and memories flashed through my mind at his words. I had cut my hair when I'd graduated, because he'd always told me he loved it. I'd wanted to get rid of it, all because it had reminded me of him too much. I hadn't had it cut too short, just had the length taken away. Except that when the cut had been finished, I'd realised that I missed my hair and that not all the memories of Dimitri were bad. It had taken me a long time to grow it back out, and it still wasn't the way it had been before. I was surprised that Dimitri had even noticed such a small difference.

"I had it cut," I replied simply.

Before Dimitri could reply, I turned away to find Lissa. There was no way I could deal with any more guilt and revelations. Not today.


	11. Burning In The Skies

**XI**: Burning In The Skies

"I used the deadwood to make a fire rise; The blood of innocence burning in the skies," **Burning In The Skies**, Linkin Park

* * *

"Rose, wait!"

I heard Dimitri hurry to catch up with me, a hand reaching out to stop me from moving ahead too fast. I flinched as his fingers wrapped around my arm, resisting the urge to hit him. I wondered briefly what he wanted from me, and in that unnerving way of his, he answered my unspoken question. "Can I walk with you?" he asked, his expression unreadable.

I nodded as nonchalantly as I could, feeling vulnerable and exposed as he watched me. I again wondered what his motives were. It seemed like he was content enough to be in my presence, his eyes drinking me in. I shivered under his intense gaze, not used to feeling so helpless. That was a feeling I was constantly fighting to avoid. I hated not being in control of my environment, life, relationships.

We walked together, side by side, neither of us saying anything. I looked straight ahead, but my attention was on him. The sympathy I had felt earlier still lingered, stirring unwelcome emotions in the back of my mind, a longing I thought I'd long put to rest. He looked the same as ever, but there was something different about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. A subtle change that was deeper than could be seen. I guess the same could be said about me, although I didn't like to think about it too much.

"You're guarded," I said suddenly, coming to a complete stop. He never missed a beat, stopping as soon as I did, although his eyes betrayed his shock. It was soon gone, replaced by an expressionless mask. "More guarded," I elaborated. "Why?"

He didn't speak for a long time, and I almost thought he wouldn't answer me. "You're guarded too," he replied. "If you tell me why you're so distant, then I'll tell you why I'm so distant. Fair swap."

"No."

We stared at each other for a long time, and it almost felt like nothing had changed between us. I could almost believe that he'd never left me, and that we'd carried on with our secret love, gone on to be Lissa's guardians, gone on and been content with each other if nothing else. But reality is a bitch, and she came crashing down on us both. We blinked heavily at the same time, as though we'd just woken from the same dream.

"It doesn't seem fair that you should ask me to share my secrets while keeping yours locked away," he said dryly.

"Life isn't fair, comrade."

The word slipped out before I could stop it, and we shared another significant glance in oh so many days. It was getting tiring. I hadn't realised how far removed from my emotions I really was until they are crept up and crashed down on me at the same time. It was hard interacting with people again, but even through that, I knew I had missed it. Things were changing again for me. I could feel it.

"Roza," Dimitri murmured, and I didn't have it in me to yell or shout or tell him to never call me that name again. Something had shifted between us, and hearing that one word made my heart hammer against my ribcage. "Please let me in."

"I can't." I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering what Adrian had said: _love just doesn't disappear_. And from the way that Dimitri was watching me, looking at me, I could believe it. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to let my defenses down. I didn't want to give him another chance to hurt me. "It's not you. I can't let anyone in. I just can't." I opened my eyes, looking at him. His expression softened. "To love is to cause pain."

"Love doesn't equal pain," Dimitri said, surprised at my words. "Why would you think that?"

And although I didn't say anything, although I fought not to show anything, something in my eyes told Dimitri what he already knew but didn't want to admit. Shame and regret mixed in his eyes, although the rest of his face remained calm. In that moment I knew that if he showed the slightest bit of anger, or a tiny piece of what he was feeling inside on his face, he would lose his fragile hold on his control. I'd seen him lose control once today. I didn't want to see it again.

"I'm sorry, Dimitri, I have to go. But - " I paused, looking at him. "I'm glad that you're here. And I know things are different between us. Hell, things are probably beyond repair, but that doesn't mean I don't respect you. I just have different priorities. I different outlook. I need to have a different outlook. And I really am sorry for the way things turned out for you. I wish I had half the courage you do. And I hope you have a good future with Tasha."

God, that was sickening. I was giving myself a toothache. But I felt that I needed to say something, _anything_, to Dimitri to try and repair some of the damage that was stretched out between us. It was the best I could come up with. Something safe and comfortable. A middle ground that didn't give any of my feelings away. Something that could be seen as sincere.

"Thank you," he replied. The anguish was still in his eyes as he watched me. "I'm sorry too. Sorry that you tried to change the person you are. But I want you to know that you can't keep up the facade you're trying so desperately to hold onto. It's going to crumble and fall apart. People will see through it, because try as you might, you can't hide the Rose Hathaway you really are. Things are changing, and it would be better if you let go of this servant to the system persona you wear, and embrace the passionate, caring person you really are."

What? I stared at Dimitri blankly, his speech rendering me without words, which was a hard task for anyone to do. No matter what situation I found myself in, I usually always had a quip handy. Now I had no idea what to say, or even think. My mind buzzed senselessly, and he nodded in satisfaction.

"There's more to control than what you think. It's not about keeping quiet, Rose, it's all about learning the appropriate time to speak out loud."

A twinge of anger rose in me, but I quashed it. "You have completely misunderstood the situation. I am not a servant. I am a guardian. I'm good at what I do, no pretending involved."

"Right," he smiled wryly, and I felt naked and exposed again. "I won't pretend to understand why you've changed, but I will tell you that it won't last."

"I don't need your mentoring crap," I finally snapped. "And I shouldn't have to explain to you why I am the way I am. You should already understand."

"I could say the same."

We stared at each other for a long time, and I wondered what exactly he meant by his words. What was he referring to? A part of me knew, and I suddenly doubted everything that I had clutched to for the past three years. The anger, hurt and betrayal. The conviction that he was wrong and I was right. The foundations of that belief were being shaken, and quite violently, by five simple words. And it wasn't just me. I was having the same effect on him.

"Well, I don't." It was childish, but I wanted to say something, because I always had something to say. "Goodbye Guardian Belikov."

I turned and walked away from him quickly, expecting his hand to shoot out and grab me like it had last time. No such thing happened, and I cussed as a part of my ego got wounded by the lack of a reaction. It was happening, just like I knew it would, just like Adrian knew it would. I was crumbling. I shook my head, letting the icy air clear it as I walked past small clusters of Dhampirs. I eyed some of the groups enviously, noting the way that some of the students at the Academy had their mothers with them. They had come for the service, and were probably going to leave in the morning.

As I watched the groups of Dhampirs, I noticed something else, something more pressing. A small number of the mothers had worried expressions on their faces, which were mirrored by their children. I looked at one family, a mother and two Dhampir children who looked to be fifteen or sixteen. The mother was arguing with a guardian while her children looked on, terror in their eyes. I didn't understand why, until I heard part of the conversation.

" - and I won't allow it to happen. I sent my children here to be educated as well as trained to defend themselves. The choice to become guardians or not is in their hands. But I will not allow my children to be sent out to fight with the undead at _sixteen_. Not now, not ever. And if they can't get a proper education or childhood here at the Academy any longer, then I will not have them enrolled here any longer. I will send them somewhere else, and remove that choice from them."

"I understand Beatrice, but I can't do anything. The Queen's word is final. You might as well keep your children here and let them finish out their school days in the Academy. Why not wait until they graduate before you make any decisions?" the guardian asked wearily. I guessed that he'd had many of these conversations in the short time the Council meeting had ended.

"Because I don't want to worry that the Queen's going to make another decree in that time forcing all Dhampirs into service. I want to be prepared for any more assaults on Dhampirs. I want them in my reach. I want them safe. I've always trusted the Moroi, never said a bad word, always done my duty, but I will not let my babies be sent out to die!"

I looked around the courtyard I was stood in, watching the other families. Not all of them were having the same conversations as Beatrice the worried mother, but they were clearly angry and disturbed by Tatiana's announcement. Some were speculating about how things could get worse, and some were advocating the Queen. A few others were comforting their children. Some were yelling at teachers and guardians, demanding a change in the ruling.

It seemed as though the anger and protests from the meeting had spilled out into mini-chaos outside. Other people were dealing with the consequences of Tatiana's rash decision. I continued walking to the guest housing, and realised that I was getting a few cold stares and dark looks. I sighed, knowing that I was another outlet for the anger they were feeling. It was my testimony that had helped seal the Dhampirs fate.

One such angry mother stepped into my way as I tried to get into the building. "Do you realise what you've done?" she demanded rudely. I stopped dead in my tracks, longing for my bed rising up in me. "You've condemned children to their deaths."

"No I haven't. I answered some questions, and someone else ruled that sixteen year olds should fight. I don't agree with the decree. I think it's as ridiculous as you do," I answered tiredly.

"Then why didn't you fight against it? Why didn't you say something? Protest when you realised where the Queen was going with your testimony? You could have stopped this when you knew what she was doing. You could have stepped in. Your voice would have had more sway than Belikov's because it was your experiences that it hinged on," the mother retorted, her eyes glassy from unshed tears.

Her words hit a sore point that was nestled deep within me. It sounded a lot like what Dimitri had told me earlier about control: _it's not about keeping quiet ... it's about learning the appropriate time to speak out loud_. My cheeks flushed red with shame as the mother waited for an answer, something I couldn't give her. All the other arguing Dhampirs had stopped, watching us. Everyone wanted me to say the right thing.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"You're as bad as the rest of them," the mother spat, her eyes falling on the watching school guardians. "You're just tools. All of you. You let the Moroi use you and dump you at will. You let them throw you out to be Strigoi bait. You won't defend your race or your rights. You'll let them use you like puppets."

I wanted to tell the woman it wasn't like that. I wanted to tell her that it was different, that I was different. But I couldn't. I wondered why I hadn't said anything to the Queen. Was it because Lissa had asked me not to, or was it something else? Was it because I was scared of damaging my reputation? Was it because I was scared of losing the status quo that I had found? Or was it because I had buried the old Rose Hathaway too deeply? The one who shouted and spoke out for those who needed it. The girl who fought for what she believed in, regardless of the consequences.

Our audience lost interest when the mother started to cry. Her friend - or sister, I can't tell - wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She didn't spare me a glance as she leads the sobbing woman inside, out of the cold and away from prying eyes. Guilt burns inside of me as I follow them in. I want this day to end. It's been long and hard. I want the blankness of sleep. I want to get away from those accusing eyes. But most of all, I want to get away from the accusing thoughts that are hammering inside my skull.

"Rose."

I turned for what felt like the hundredth time that day, a sigh escaping my lips before I can stop it. Lissa doesn't look offended; in fact, she looks the complete opposite. She looks concerned. Her hand reaches out to touch my face, the glow of Spirit humming around her hand as she presses the back of her hand against my forehead like she's taking my temperature. She drops it away when she realises this isn't a side-effect of being shadow-kissed or using Spirit. This is all me.

"You look like you want to hit something," she said with a small smile. "What's wrong?"

I glanced back outside the window to where the Dhampirs were dispersing. She followed my gaze, and her thoughts give away that she already knew about the gossip and badmouthing that had been going on behind my back. She had wanted to spare me the details, knowing I'd take the guilt hard. But she couldn't be everywhere, and certainly couldn't stop me from walking into someone brave enough to say something. She turned to look at me, a sad look in her eyes.

"It isn't your fault. You didn't have a say in the ruling."

"No, but I could have said something. Anything. I should have stood up and spoken out for all the Dhampirs. But I didn't, and that makes me as bad as the cowardly Royal Moroi that want to throw children out to be torn apart. I'm just a tool. A slave," I replied, bitterness stark in my voice.

"Don't say that Rose. You take pride in what you do," Lissa murmured back. Concern for me rolled off her through the bond. I knew I didn't deserve it.

"I used to think that too," I said softly as we walked towards our rooms. "Used to think that I took pride in guarding Moroi. But maybe I mistook pride for obedience. I do what I'm told, and that's all there is to it. There is no pride in being a shadow. If I really took pride in myself, my race and my duty, then maybe I would fight more."

"Rose, you're scaring me."

I stopped, looking at Lissa and her jade-green eyes, wide and afraid as they took me in. I slipped into her head unconsciously, seeing me from her point of view. I looked bad, really bad, with shadows under my eyes and a haunted expression. My lips were set in a grim line and I did look like I wanted to punch something. I also looked like I had given up on punching, on any expression of emotions at all. It scared me as much as it scared her.

I pulled out of her head, shaking slightly as I took in calming breaths. "I'm sorry." I seemed to be saying that a lot lately. "I just wish I'd been like Dimitri. I wish I'd actually stood up for what I believed in. It was my testimony that put this through, after all."

"Maybe. But you were right not to speak out in public. Or at least, to not speak out in the Queen's court, so to speak. You saw what she did to Dimitri. She destroyed him. Ripped apart his argument by making him seem disgraced and unimportant. She could have done the same to you. It's about rallying support and building up your attack. This isn't over. Not yet," Lissa said.

I watched her, watched the way she shone. She believed her words, really deeply, and would do anything to see them through. She was the same person she had ever been. Kind, caring and determined. The perfect Royal. A little compulsion and charisma had molded into her words, but it was the trusting look in her eyes that won me over.

"You think that we can do this? Fix everything?"

"I do."

We smiled warmly at each other, and I felt bad. This was the most open with Lissa I had been in a long time. I hadn't told her my feelings or thoughts in months, only telling her the basics whenever she pushed hard enough. It felt good to confide my fears to someone. I turned away to open my door, when angry voices drew my attention away. I stared down the hallway at two men, a Dhampir and a Moroi. The Dhampir had the Moroi pushed up against the wall, their faces so close it was a wonder they hadn't started making out.

"I suppose you're the sort of person who thinks Moroi should get their hands dirty and fight side by side with _Dhampirs_," the Moroi sneered. He looked to be in his mid-twenties, another guest in the Academy. The Dhampir looked younger, maybe even a student here.

"Yes, actually. It's a better idea than sending out teenagers to die for you. You're nothing but a bunch of cowards, hiding behind other people because you're too scared to do something to defend yourself. If you actively sought Strigoi out, then you could actually lower or dent their numbers. But you hide in your Courts and schools instead, letting other people fall while you eat caviar and drink champagne. My sister is fourteen. There is no way in hell she'll be ready for killing at sixteen. But you wouldn't understand that, would you?"

"What does a Dhampir know about family?" the Moroi taunted back. "Aren't you all just spawned out of bloodlust and communes? No daddies for the Dhampir children, just dirty - "

The Moroi never got to finish his words as the Dhampir shoved his fist into his mouth. When the Dhampir pulled back his fist, the Moroi fell forward, blood pouring from his mouth. He looked up, stunned as the Dhampir brought his fist down again and again, smashing it into the Moroi's head. I raced forward, pulling him back and away. He was taller than me, but I'd had more than enough experience with breaking up fights.

"Stop it," I snapped. "This isn't the way to deal with the matter. You're only going to make it worse."

"What do you know? It's your stupid escapades that made this happen."

I was getting irritated at the same assumptions everyone seemed to be holding me to. "Get out of here, before I give you a live action demonstration of my escapades."

The Dhampir looked doubtful, but he had gained some audience members. He turned, stalking down the corridor as Lissa tended to the wounded Moroi. She put her hand to his head and the euphoria of magic filled us both. I ran a hand through my hair, agitated by the deteriorating state of matters at the Academy. Things were only going to worse too. I imagined more Dhampirs attacking Moroi, knowing it would be nasty.

"I never thought I'd see the day when Dhampirs turned on Moroi," murmured a nearby male. I surveyed him, recognising him as the male companion Tasha Ozera seemed to keep with her. He had blond hair and sharp grey eyes. "I also never thought I'd see the day when Moroi turned on Dhampirs, to that effect."

Tasha materialised by his side, giving him an adoring look that I found strange. "These are tough times, Bastien. We're going to see a lot more things we'd never thought we'd see a few years ago. I have a feeling that the Royal Council is sitting on an ace. We have to be careful with where we tread."

"Ever the wise one, ma fleur." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and my mouth fell open. Lissa, spotting my surprise, sent me a silent message as Tasha pressed her lips to this Bastien's own.

_That's Tasha's fiance._


	12. Time Is Running Out

**XII**: Time Is Running Out

"I won't let you bury it; I won't let you smother it; I won't let you murder it," **Time Is Running Out**, Muse

* * *

The sunrise was spectacular, but even its warmth couldn't chase away the cold that had seeped into my heart.

I paced furiously in one of the Academy's courtyard as more people retreated to their rooms. I didn't care that I had a plane to catch in the morning. I didn't care that I would pay for this display of emotions one way or another. All I wanted to do was pound out my irritations and confusion, except there was no place else for me to go. The other parts of the Academy had been locked up. Storming around angrily was the only thing available to me.

Bastien Delameer was a fancy Moroi from abroad that Tasha had met on her travels. They'd been dating for almost as long as Dimitri had been guardian to Tasha, something I just couldn't wrap my head around. Something didn't sit right with me, but I wasn't in a position to go prying into their affairs. My pride wouldn't let me get involved.

The second thing bothering me was the open display of hostility that had gone on all evening between both Dhampirs and Moroi. There was a certain tension in the air that everyone could sense, and I didn't think it was going to go anywhere soon. More scuffles and fights had broken out between the younger occupants of the Academy, but I knew that only professionalism stopped the older guardians from saying out loud what ever Dhampir believed in.

The sun had finally broken the forests and now bathed me completely in the golden light. Lissa had insisted on getting an early flight back to Court with Adrian, meaning I had to tag along despite my ill feelings about the Royals and their secret plans. Sleep was the way forward and I turned to collapse in my room. Bastien. Fiancé.

A broken and lonely Dimitri.

I shook off the last thought briskly, wanting to shed myself on the old emotions too, but they wouldn't budge. I washed my face and brushed my teeth robotically, packing my bags before flopping onto my crisp bed. No sooner had my head hit the pillow then the dreams started.

The sky was still orange and red, except it seemed deeper and harsher than a regular morning sky. I sensed an electric current rippling through the air and instinctively my feet took me where I needed to be. I brushed past trees, swatting branches out my way easily as I picked up the pace. Someone was screaming, but I couldn't tell if it was in my head or in the forests before me.

I broke into a clearing, and stopped dead in my tracks. It took me three seconds to register the disturbing scene before me, and two more after that to turn to my side and throw up into the bushes. I wiped my mouth weakly as I returned my gaze to the massacre before me.

Young Dhampirs littered the floor, and the grass showed no green. It was too soaked through with the blood of the fallen. A few braver and stronger Dhampirs still stood on their feet, battling it with Strigoi, but they were outnumbered and outmatched. Fear shone brightly on their faces, and I flinched as a young girl gurgled and shrieked. The Strigoi who had attacked her stuck his hand deep inside her throat, and when he removed it, it looked like he was wearing a red glove. He licked his wrist clean as she crumpled.

"No," I found myself saying. "No, leave them alone. They're just children."

"They can't possibly be children," a female Strigoi cackled. "They've graduated, haven't they? I can see their promise marks. Why would you send them out to fight if they were children? _Everyone_ knows that children don't know how to defend themselves. Everyone knows that they can't possibly stand against people as ancient as us."

I mouthed the word 'no' again, but I'd lost my voice. One of the Dhampirs still standing glared at me in accusation. I knew what he meant. This was my fault. I hadn't stood against Tatiana. I hadn't told her to stuff her decree down her throat. The old Rose would have. And my silence now was just as condemning as my silence then. I squeezed my eyes shut in horror as the last Dhampir fell to the floor and joined the others.

A comforting hand slipped into mine and led me away from the clearing.

"Your psyche is a cruel, sadistic place. Goes without saying, really."

"Adrian!" I cried, throwing my arms around him. We were no longer anywhere near death and its horrors, instead stood in a romantic little park. "What are you doing here?" I added after a moment, remembering who I was and where we were. Adrian never did anything out of the goodness of his heart, and away from the carnage I was being to come to my senses.

"Rescuing damsels in distress, it seems." He settled on a white garden bench, running his hands through his hair as he did. I frowned slightly. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't catch you at dinner or after, so I waited around for you to fall asleep."

"Creepy," I supplied for him. "You're living up to you vampire reputation." I sighed, settling on the grassy bank across from Adrian. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Dimitri, Tasha or Bastien, would it?"

Adrian wore a wounded look. "Do you always assume the worst of me? Why would I want to hurt you by asking you about your least favourite people?" I raised an eyebrow in his direction and he raised his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay. I did happen to hear from Lissa that you happened across Bastien, who happens to be Tasha's fiancé but I'll have you know I debated long and hard about coming to talk to you about it."

"You just couldn't keep from throwing your hat into the ring," I said bitterly, the old snarkiness coming back. "You're afraid that I'll go running back to Dimitri without considering all that's happened between us. But you really don't have to worry. I'm not that stupid."

"Never said you were," Adrian replied icily, and this time his hurt look was for real. Low blow from Rose's corner, yet I didn't feel remotely bad. I was tired of people watching me, seeing how I was going to react to the next crazy turn of events. I wanted my control back. I wanted to be the one watching other people fall apart, mostly because it meant that I was in one piece. That didn't seem to be happening any time soon. "I was worried you might have gotten mad at Tasha or some other Rose-like explosion," Adrian added.

"Sorry if I won't take that at face value," I stated bluntly. "Because Adrian Ivashkov always has an ulterior motive and he always gets what he wants. I've watched you long enough to know that. Did you know?" I suddenly asked, changing direction. Adrian looked unsurprised by this random turn of events. Clearly it was a Hathaway trademark. "Did you know about Tasha?"

"I did."

"Then why did you let me carry on not knowing the truth. Don't you think it would have made all the difference?" I asked.

"Between what? Me and Belikov," Adrian said angrily.

"No," I replied, viciously shaking my head. "Don't you think it would have made a difference in the way I'd handled the coming events I went through. Don't you think I would have had a different outlook that would have helped me retain the ability to feel. Don't you think it would have given me a rope to pull myself through dark times with. Because I honestly think it would have made the difference."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Adrian said. "You're talking nonsense."

"Only because you can't untangle your involvement in _this_ and see it objectively. You may not have noticed, but I haven't forgiven Dimitri, even after finding out about Bastien. Here's my reasoning; he still left me. Forget love and romance and all that crap you like to sprout. He _left_. Things would have gone so differently if he'd stayed, but he didn't. If I'd known why he really left, which I'm only guessing at right now, some of the hurt would have gone away. Just a little," I said hotly. I wasn't sure why I was getting angry, but the smug look on Adrian's face was infuriating me.

"Nothing would have changed," he shot back. "Nothing has changed. I should have known."

And with that he left me alone to face my nightmares alone. They never differed, always sticking to same format and the same pain. I watched different faces die before me, some of the familiar and loved, others unrecognisable. I woke up earlier than I'd intended, sweating and shaking. When my hand went to my neck, I realised that somewhere along yesterday's activities I'd lost Lissa's spirit necklace, hence the twisted dreams.

The coil of hot rage and desperation seemed ready to burst, but I didn't want to wake Lissa. Deciding a walk was due, I dressed in more relaxed clothes than I usually wore these days, then headed out to find something to distract myself with.

That wish came sooner than I thought it would in the form of disorder. A group of Dhampirs were arguing loudly with Kirova, who looked to be on the cusp of breaking point. As I neared the agitated group, I caught parts of what they were saying.

"Please, there's no point in leaving today. Just stay until the end of term and I'm sure the summer break will give you time to rethink your decisions. You're being rash," Kirova was saying to three Dhampir women. They all held onto their children's hands tightly, as if they thought Kirova would reach over and steal them away.

"I'm not letting my children study here a moment longer. We're heading out of the Moroi's society. I refuse to play by their rules anymore," the tallest Dhampir retorted angrily. "I'm going home with my children and they will have a human education, in a human city. I will have them taught self-defence, but I will not have them thrown out to be distractions while the Royals run away from the Strigoi."

"I agree with Moira," the women to her left said stoically. "Why should we die for you? You've given us nothing in return. You can't stop us from un-enrolling them from the Academy. I think you'll find all the forms we filled out are in perfect order. Please step aside, Headmistress, and permit us leave."

The children looked on in fear, and I couldn't tell where the fear was being directed at. The teacher who stood in their way of getting home? Their parents and their motherly concern? Or the fact the age decree meant they were literally months from being sent out to the front lines? Either way I wasn't going to get involved, but as I searched for an alternative route to the gyms, Kirova caught sight of me.

"Guardian Hathaway! Please talk to these students and convince their parents that they'll be perfectly safe within the Academy walls," she said, turning her pleas on me.

I sighed, looked at the fierce mothers and remembered my dreams. Suddenly the nameless bodies had the faces of each of these students. I saw the youngest girl die in the place of an older guardian as Moroi ran away towards sunlight. I saw her distraught mother crying over her grave. I knew what I had to do.

"I don't think that is the issue here. This women clearly aren't satisfied with the curriculum their children receive here, nor the graduating age. They are perfectly within their rights to withdraw their children from attendance here if the school fails to meet their standards," I said pleasantly, watching in amusement as Kirova's jaw dropped open in horror.

"Rose," she said in warning.

"You can't refuse to let this people leave. I'd see them to the exit, if I were you. Oh, and I'd prepare myself for the coming onslaught. I don't think this is going to be a one time problem," I added with a smile.

It slipped from my face when I turned out of view, because I knew I was right. This was only the beginning.


	13. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Author's Note**:

Hey, this is the dreaded author's note arriving. I know how bitter these false alarms can be, so I'll jump straight to it. This is not a notice saying this story is abandoned. Far from it. I will be continuing DEAD BLACK ROSES as soon as I find Rose's voice in me again. I have it planned out. I actually have an arc! It's just that I spent so long from Rose that I can't remember how to capture her personality right.

So yes, this story will be continued. However, I will be rewriting it at the same time.

I looked back at it, was proud with what I had done, but felt I could do better. I am tightening up the plot and the writing, while changing the direction I took in later chapters a smidge. I got inspiration and decided I needed to pad out my older!Rose a little. That is what I am doing in the rewrite CASTLE OF GLASS.

I'm not asking you guys to redirect your love and attention over to the rewrite. You can remain here and continue what we started together, or you can check out CASTLE OF GLASS by heading to my profile. I really don't mind. The rewrite is more for my own vanity than views or reviews, plus I miss writing. By tweaking DEAD BLACK ROSES I hope to get back into the habit of writing proper.

Anyway, an update is on the way, as well as a rewrite. You can find an improved (I hope) opening chapter for CASTLE OF GLASS on my profile page.

Thanks for the patience,

linkkinparkk


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